Commissioner Robinson Goes on the "Wagon," North County Taverns apply for Economic Assistance

Story by Uncle Lars Bob

In an unprecedented action, Chisago County’s, North County Association of Taverns pleaded their case for assistance directly to a Joint Session of Minnesota’s State Legislature.

While offering no direct response to the Tavern Owners adversely affected by Robinson’s newfound sobriety, Lawmakers did pass emergency Legislation extending unemployment benefits to those laid off from Leinenkugel’s North County Brewery and Pipeline Company.

A Leinenkugel’s spokesperson, commenting on condition of anonymity, states, “We hold no ill will toward Commissioner (Lynn) Shultz.” It is widely believed that Schultz is the instigator of this calamity which has befallen North County.

The Leinenkugel’s spokesperson continued, stating “Our North County Brewery and Beer Pipeline was a model of efficiency. Our pipeline ran directly to all the major North County Pubs.

It was powered by solar and wind generated electricity. We handled all of Mike’s (Commissioner Robinson's) beer needs with virtually no carbon footprint.

Hell, Mike drank directly from the tap. We never even wasted energy washing a beer mug.”

Later in the day, Presidential Hopeful, John McCain spoke at a meeting of Brewery and Bartenders Local 101 in Rush City.

As usual, McCain pulled no punches while addressing the 800 unemployed workers of the union.

“Your jobs may not come back, finding another drunk of Robinson’s stature will not be easy. It may take four or five to drunks to replace Mike.”

McCain has introduced legislation aimed at retraining many of the union’s members for future employment beyond the beer industry.

Hillary and Obama are scheduled to address the displaced union workers next week.

In a spectacular show of bipartisan support for the residents of North County, Senator Coleman and Representative Oberstar are lobbying President Bush to declare North County a disaster area.

We now turn to business news.

Archer Daniels Midland, the largest ethanol producer in America has purchased Leinenkugel’s inventory of hops and barley related to the shutdown its North County Brewery and Pipeline.

Spot prices for oil plunged to levels not seen since the 70’s. Prices rebounded, however, when OPEC announced drastic production cuts designed to offset the glut of ethanol expected to hit the market as a result of the closing of North County’s Brewery.

Stock Markets generally trended downward today. McDonald’s and Burger King stock regained lost ground, however when Commissioner Robinson denied he was about to go on a diet.

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