Ethanol is Nasty Business--So is the Iraq War

From my idealistic Republican perspective,

I would like to think the war in Iraq is about freedom for the Iraqi people.

Adding 26 million people to a world of free thought and expression would be a remarkable achievement. An achievement not possible without the sacrifice of 4,000 of our nation's son and daughters.

Quite frankly, the reality of the situation is this simple: We sacrifice our sons and daughters to stabilize our supply of cheap, foreign oil.

I think about this every time I fill my tank. I think about a better way to power our country and our way of life.

Ethanol from corn is inefficient at best. But it is a start. If we can grow our own fuel, our money stays in this country, rather than sent off to Saudi Arabia. We are talking billions and billions of dollars for investment and jobs in this country.

Ethanol technology will advance. Other, more efficient crops will be converted to fuel. We can still drive our cars and maybe, just maybe that young person now driving a tank in Iraq will come home to drive a John Deere tractor, harvesting sugar beets in Western Minnesota.

First in A Series

Thanks, Jon

Third Snow on a Robin

I've never heard that saying before. The cashier at a C-store told me, according to her husband's grandfather, a robin will never see more than three snowfalls after it returns to the frozen north.

And this is the third one. A sure sign that spring is on the way.

Jon

Honest Politician--An Oxymoron?

I'd Lie to you for your vote, and that's the truth!

An oxymoron (plural oxymorons or, more rarely, oxymora) is a figure of speech that combines two normally contradictory terms. Oxymoron is a loanword from Greek oxy ("sharp") and moros ("dull"). Thus the word oxymoron is itself an oxymoron.

Oxymorons are a proper subset of the expressions called contradictions in terms. What distinguishes oxymorons from other paradoxes and contradictions is that they are used intentionally, for rhetorical effect, and the contradiction is only apparent, as the combination of terms provides a novel expression of some concept, such as "cruel to be kind".

The most common form of oxymoron involves an adjective combination. For example, the following line from Tennyson's Idylls of the King contains two oxymorons:

"And faith unfaithful kept him falsely true"

Surviving The Meltdown----Investment Strategies for a Warmer World

First in a Series

“The debate has ended over whether global warming is a problem caused by human activity. Consequently, we can and must act now to solve the problem, or else we will bequeath a dangerous and diminished world to our children and grandchildren.” John McCain and Joe Lieberman.

Who is Elephant Herd? And why does he seek to discredit Global Warming?

Chisagogop.blogspot as near as I can ascertain, is operated by the Republican Party of Chisago County, yet Elephant Herd, the dominant poster, seems intent to distance the local GOP from its national leaders. George Bush is slammed for his Ethanol Program while John McCain is chided for his stance on Global Warming.

Elephant Herd is long on criticism and short on answers.

The plain fact of the matter is quite simple. We do not know what the future holds for us, for our children or for our children’s children.

Nature will self correct, that is certain. How man, the greatest and most successful of nature’s creations will fit into this natural correction is apparently, up to us.

Geologically speaking, the permanent ice caps at the poles are a recent phenomenon. A mere two million years ago, the land masses of North and South America were joined at the Isthmus of Panama by volcanic activity. Ocean currents were disrupted, reducing the amount of warm water going to the Poles. As the snowfall became permanent, the snow itself reflected light and heat back into space further cooling the Earth.

Now, add some peculiar wobbles as the earth spins on its axis and slight alterations of its orbit around the sun and a pattern of Ice Ages, coming and going every 26,000 years or so is established. Yet, in all those past Ice ages that have come and gone over the past two million years, the Poles have never been free of ice.

The North Pole may be ice free in the summers as early as 2012 and is expected to be completely free of ice by the year 2050.

We are 13,000 years out of the last Ice Age and 13,000 years before the next one, with many decisions facing the six billion people on this planet.

“Mankind’s Survival will Depend on its Technology”

In the past 40,000 years, Earth has lost species to extinction at a rate that exceeds “The Great Dying” of the Permian Extinction. Once thought to be a relatively short event, most scientists now believe the “Great Dying” of 251.4 million years ago was an excruciatingly painful event lasting some 80,000 years. The devastation was so thorough and so near complete, 10 million years passed before life could once again flourish on our planet.

Earth has suffered five major extinction events in her history. Most scientists believe we are in the middle phase of Earth’s sixth and possibly greatest extinction event.

The Arctic, with its great diversity of life is lost, succumbing to Global Warming and Abrupt Climate Change. Future Historians will likely place the “Tipping Point,” the Global Warming Point of No Return, in the year 2010, some 40 years before the current predictions.

As with the Permian Event, most life on earth will cease if global temperatures rise to the point where frozen methane is released from the tundra and sea floors enveloping the earth in a dense fog of greenhouse gases.

Man is the only species on this planet that can acquire, retain and pass knowledge to future generations by non-genetic means. Mankind is the only species on this planet that can overcome its very genetics.

As such, man is well equipped by Nature to prevent this next extinction event by moving forward, as there is no going back to a life in caves and tee pees. Living off a land devoid of biological diversity will not be possible, as we cannot digest rocks. Mankind’s survival will depend solely upon its technology.

Earth Friendly Lawnmower Repair

Preseason Special-Free Pickup and Delivery of Your Walk Behind Mower

For residents of Lindstrom and Chisago City, MN during the month of April, 2008 only.

We charge a nonminal fee for riders.

Green Enterprises
Saving the World for Fun and Profit
Earth Friendly Lawnmower Repair

Hi, my name is Jonathan P. Glassel. Just a guess, but I am probably the only candidate running for County Commissioner that can repair your lawnmower.

If that lawnmower won't run this spring, please consider repair before replacement. A new lawnmower requires a barrel or more of oil and the resultant production of greenhouse gasses in its manufacture.

The typical lawnmower repair requires about a trillioneth of a barrel of oil for the small plastic parts that need replacing.

Repair and purchase of used equipment places little demand on the world's already scarce resources and lowers demand on oil reserves while reducing greenhouse gases.

Beginning April 1, 2008 we can repair your walk behind mower while you wait or within a day or two as you wish.

We straighten bent crankshafts, have many used parts available and offer pick up and delivery.
The cost for typical walk behind repair includes tune-up, oil change and blade sharpening for about $40 on Briggs & Stratton "Sprint" Engines, $50 on most Tecumseh engines and $60 on Briggs Quattro engines.

We always quote a price in advance and stick to it. We never charge for an estimate or disassembly for inspection. If your equipment is not worth repair, we will recycle it for you at no charge.

We also repair riders, in many cases with used parts to keep costs reasonable. We have used engines, transmissions and complete mower decks.

We have used mowers and riders for sale. Push mowers for as little as $40 and riders as low as $250. We are located in the SW Corner of the old Interstate Lumber building in Hugo.

Pick up and delivery is available.

Please call 612-272-9535 for more information. Fixing your lawnmower is my “Green Enterprise.”

Thanks, Jon

Glassel Plans to Clean Up South County

Offers free heavy metal recycling with free pick up in South County!

Free Gas Grill Recycling
Proceeds of this year’s program benefits
The Hugo Community Food Shelf

Free!!!!
Outdoor Power Equipment Recycling
“The Guys Thrift Store” now accepts donations of the following items in any condition at absolutely no charge to you!

Lawnmowers Riding Lawnmower

Snowmobiles Roto Tillers

Weed Whips
Chain Saws ATV’s
Motorcycles Junk Cars
Automotive Batteries Bicycles
Electric Motors Outboard Motors
Scrap Metal Sheet Metal

Jonathan P. Glassel’s Anything Goes of Hugo
The Guys Thrift Store 612-272-9535

Commissioner Robinson Goes on the "Wagon", North County Taverns Apply for Economic Assistance

Story by Uncle Lars Bob

In an unprecedented action, Chisago County’s, North County Association of Taverns pleaded their case for assistance directly to a Joint Session of Minnesota’s State Legislature.

While offering no direct response to the Tavern Owners adversely affected by Robinson’s newfound sobriety, Lawmakers did pass emergency Legislation extending unemployment benefits to those laid off from Leinenkugel’s North County Brewery and Pipeline Company.

A Leinenkugel’s spokesperson, commenting on condition of anonymity, states, “We hold no ill will toward Commissioner (Lynn) Shultz.” It is widely believed that Schultz is the instigator of this calamity which has befallen North County.

The Leinenkugel’s spokesperson continued, stating “Our North County Brewery and Beer Pipeline was a model of efficiency. Our pipeline ran directly to all the major North County Pubs. It was powered by solar and wind generated electricity. We handled all of
Mike’s (Commissioner Robinson) beer needs with virtually no carbon footprint.

Hell, Mike drank directly from the tap. We never even wasted energy washing a beer mug.”

Later in the day, Presidential Hopeful, John McCain spoke at a meeting of Brewery and Bartenders Local 101 in Rush City.

As usual, McCain pulled no punches while addressing the 800 unemployed workers of the union. “Your jobs may not come back, finding another drunk of Robinson’s stature will not be easy. It may take four or five to drunks to replace Mike.”

McCain has introduced legislation aimed at retraining many of the union’s members for future employment beyond the beer industry.

Hillary and Obama are scheduled to address the displaced union workers next week.

In a spectacular show of bipartisan support for the residents of North County, Senator Coleman and Representative Oberstar are lobbying President Bush to declare North County a disaster area.

We now turn to business news.

Archer Daniels Midland, the largest ethanol producer in America has purchased Leinenkugel’s inventory of hops and barley related to the shutdown its North County Brewery and Pipeline.

Spot prices for oil plunged to levels not seen since the 70’s. Prices rebounded, however, when OPEC announced drastic production cuts designed to offset the glut of ethanol expected to hit the market as a result of the closing of North County’s Brewery.

Stock Markets trended downward today. McDonald’s and Burger King stock rebounded when Commissioner Robinson denied he was about to go on a diet.

Publishers Note: It has been a long-standing practice to poke fun at our cultural icons, symbols, public figures and celebrities. A parody exists when one imitates a serious piece of work, such as literature, music or artwork, for a humorous or satirical effect. Parody, as a method of criticism, has been a very popular means for authors, entertainers and advertisers to communicate a particular message or point of view to the public.

The story above is not true. It is a parody of a news story. It is not a real news story, which should be obvious from the content. When a story, as the one above is so obviously untrue when read by intelligent people, no disclaimer is required.

Lone Recycler--Episode Eleven

Episode Eleven

Indeed, all the King’s men were Master Baiters.

In those days, South County hath many lakes. And those lakes hath many fishes. The peasants (taxpayers) of South County being duly concerned about fish overpopulation did construct tiny houses on the frozen lakes.

Upon drilling holes through the ice, the peasants lureth the over breeding little menaces to the ice hole by placing a frozen worm on the end of a hook.

The thought of handling this worm was distasteful, so many hireth the services of professional baiters. The baiters procedeth from ice house to ice house baiting hooks for the peasants (taxpayers).

On both days of summer, the baiters would go from boat to boat and Master Bait.

For many generations, the females of South County were not allowed to Master Bait. The thought of females touching that nasty worm was uncomfortable for many and for years the King forbade female Master Baiting.

In time attitudes changed and many asked the question, “If females can be doctors and lawyers, they should be allowed to Master Bait.”

The Patsy of Charles, after an apprenticeship of nearly twenty years became the first female Master Baiter in South County and the King did replaceth Texas Ranger with a Master Baiter, the Patsy of Charles.

But of all the Master Baiters in all the land, Occifer Ogre, the King’s Kung Fu Guy, was the most proficient.

Now, boys and girls, most people knoweth not that Occifer Ogre was raised by the Indigenous Peoples (Native Americans) of South County.

Occifer Ogre had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. Occifer Ogre went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name...

The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named.

It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."

Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name?

The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky...

The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name...

And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth.

Then the Chief speaketh to Occifer Ogre, "Why dost thou ask, Two Dogs Humping?"

In those days, in the Village of Strom did dwelleth Pudd, the village idiot. Pudd was long and lean and wore a pink dunce helmet which turneth blue when Pudd was wet or cold.

Occifer Ogre was bully, perhaps stemming from his time with the Indians and Occifer Ogre did poundeth Pudd.

Occifer Ogre poundeth Pudd in the park. Occifer Ogre pounded Pudd by the lake. Occifer Ogre even took Pudd home and poundeth Pudd in his bathroom and poundeth Pudd in his bedroom.

Indeed, every time Occifer Ogre saw Pudd, Pudd would get pounded.

And the peasants (taxpayers) would ask Occifer Ogre, “Why dost thou pound Pudd day and night?”

And Occifer Ogre would say, “One day I will take a spouse. I am practicing the marital arts of Kung Fu, Tae Kwon Doe and Ju Jitsui to prepare myself for marriage.”

And the King was very proud of Occifer Ogre and Occifer Ogre did Master Bait for the King.

And the King saw that Occifer Ogre was the best of his Master Baiters.

And the King did order all his Master Baiters to poundeth Pudd. With all the King’s men pounding Pudd, Pudd could take no more and moveth to another village.

And the King’s Master Baiters spake, “Woe is me for Pudd has left town.” And the King seeing, the distress of his Master Baiters, ordered life size replicas of Pudd for each of his Master Baiters to pound.

In those days the women did seek equality with the men and the King was forced to hire female Master Baiters. In those days, the thought of a woman pounding Pudd was coothless, indeed. And so the females working for the King were given a set of knockers.

You know, a series of six steel balls hung from a pendulum. And by raising one ball, it would whack against the other until the energy transferred to the final ball.

Some were given hooters (noisemakers) and others were given a really nice set of puppies that were kept in a frilly training device known as a Booby Restraining Apparatus (BRA). But the puppies could neither roll over or fetch, however some could sit up and beg.

And while the peasants (taxpayers) toiled and Heaven became hotter, all the King’s men Master Baited.
To be continued.

Lone Recycler--Episode Ten

Episode Ten

And the Duke of Rum was much aggrieved that the Recycler dared speak out when the Patsy giveth the Peasant’s landfill to Darth Garbage and vowed to extract revenge from our hero.

In those days, the Sheriff of Toddingham desireth to build a new dungeon and needeth support from the Duke and the King to build this new dungeon.

Like all politicians, the Sheriff of Toddingham sought immortality by having his name indelibly inscribed on the cornerstone of the new dungeon for all of eternity.

In those days, the King's Magistrate was Rudge Roody and Rudge Roody did decree that the Recycler from the Land of Political Naivety appear before him in the King's Court.

And Rudge Roody sayeth unto the Recycler, "Thou mayest not call this man from the land of Schmuck, a Schmuck.

Indeed, our King is from the Land of Schmuck, The Duke of Rum is from the Land of Schmuck, the King's Prosecutor, Katherine the Confused, is from the Land of Schmuck and I, too, am from that very land."

And Rudge Roody did set about to incarcerate our Hero.

But just in the nick of time, Barrister Prodi of Jewel did donneth the tights and cape of a Super Heroine and did cometh forth to save the Recycler from the evil Rudge Roody.

Barrister Prodi of Jewel sayeth unto Rudge Roody, "Thou mayest not incarcerate the Recycler of Naive, for Thou hast not the power," and a great battle did ensueth with Prodi of Jewel striking Rudge Roody about the head and shoulders parts with the Law of the Land and our Hero was released from the custody of the evil King and his evil Magistrate.

But Rudge Roody voweth revenge on all who seeketh to do good and did donneth the mask, tights and cape of a Super Villain, and became the Dreaded Judge Buttholio.

In those days, the male heirs of the town would form a pack and walk about the Village of Strom striking sticks together to ward away the evil spirits. And these youngsters were known as Club Scouts.

And the Club Scouts did set about to do good deeds for all the people of the Village of Strom.

And as a Club Scout was about to help 87 year old Elderly School Marm across the street, a shadowy figure emerged from the dark and spake, "'Tis I, the Dreaded Judge Buttholio. Club Scout, dost thou have a license to do good deeds?”

"Nay, Nay, Nay," sayeth the Club Scout, "I was just helping Elderly School Marm across the street.

I needeth not a license to do good deeds for the Club Scouts are protected by Grandfather Clause."

And Elderly School Marm sayeth unto Dreaded Judge Buttholio, "Thou lookest familiar. I have taught every Fifth Grader in South County for the last 60 years. Thou lookest like Rudge Roody!"

"Nay, nay, nay," sayeth Dreaded Judge Buttholio, "Rudge Roody is a wimp. I looketh not like Rudge Roody! Shut thy mouth or I will surely incarcerate thee, Old Hag!"

Undeterred, Elderly School Marm continued, "Thy mouth looketh like a sphincter muscle, Thou hast anus breath, thine eyes look like two drooping hemorrhoids.

Even through thy Speedo mask, I can see thy nose has been circumcised. Truly thou art Rudge Roody.”

Elderly School Marm explained further to the young Club Scout, “Sad story, Rudge Roody. He was so butt ugly at birth, the doctor couldn't tell one end from the other and circumcised his nose by mistake. Truly, that kid falleth from the ugly tree and did striketh every branch on the way down.

He was known as Dick Gnose in those days.

The school children teased him unmercifully. But that kid could launch a booger! When he sneezed, the whole class would duck. Dick Gnose (Rudge Roody) could hit the blackboard from the back row.

Elderly School Marm continued, “Eventually Dick Gnose was drafted into the King’s Army, where he won several medals for his service as a battering ram. The King then sent him to baiting school. After many years as an apprentice, Dick Gnose became a Master Baiter, often Master Baiting the King’s own hook.

The King rewarded Dick Gnose by sending him to Law School where he becometh Rudge Roody. And now, the judicious Master Baiter, Rudge Roody becometh the Super Villain, The Dreaded Judge Buttholio.”

Lone Recycler--Episode Nine

Episode Nine

And it came to pass, that the King’s Administrator, Sir John of Bullwinkle spake to the King, “Sire, sire, the peasants (taxpayers) are revolting.” And the King sayeth, “You’re telling me? They stink on ice.”

“Pray tell,” spake the King,” what do the peasants say about your King?”

“The peasants say thou eateth crap and bark at the moon,” spake Bullwinkle.

“And how did thee respond?”

“I spake to the peasants, Nay, nay, nay, I have spent many nights with the Your Majesty and never once have I seen the King bark at the moon.”

“What else do the peasants say about your King?” spake King Gustaf.

“They say thou eateth crap sandwiches, but I told them of thine distaste for bread.”

“The Peasants say you smell and I said, like chit you do.”

Whereupon the King thanked Bullwinkle for his loyalty and at his urging, King Gustaf and Enis, The Duke of Rum decided to go unto South County to win back the hearts and minds of the peasants (taxpayers) before Sacred Day.

And the King spake unto the Duke, "Let us depart unto Wal-Mart, get some cheezy clothes and shoes like the peasants (taxpayers) wear, and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador Retriever.

When we look the part, we'll go to a nice old country bar somewhere in South County and show the peasants (taxpayers) that we really enjoy this land and show admiration and respect for the Caucasian Refuse (White Trash) living there."

A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from The Great Hall of Royal Buttock Kissing in a westerly direction. Walking down the street they spot a vicious looking Rottweiler, vigorously licking his private parts.

The Duke looks at the chained dog and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that!"

Gustaf turneth to his friend and spake "Do you think that dog would let you?, he looks quite ferocious, perhaps if thou wouldest pet him first.”

Eventually they arriveth at Smitty’s Bar, just the place they were seeking.

With the dog in tow, they walk into a bar. When they stepped up to the bar, the bartender takes a step back and says, "Aren't you Evil King Gustaf and The Duke of Rum?"

"Yes we are", says Gustaf "and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and the Duke suggested we stop and take in some local color."

As the King was a Dunker, he ordered Grape Juice while the Duke consumed large quantities of beer, all the while, chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

All of a sudden... the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in. He walks up to the Labrador, lifts its tail, and looks underneath, shrugs his shoulders and walks out the door.

A few moments later, in comes another old farmer... walks up to the dog, lifts its tail, looks underneath, scratches his head and then leaves the bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Gustaf and the Duke could stand it no longer and called the bartender over.

"Tell me", says the King, "why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of quaint old custom?"

"Good Lord no", said the bartender. "Its just that someone had told them there was a Labrador Retriever in this bar with two Assholes!"

Lone Recycler--Episode Eight

Episode Eight

And it came to pass, that in the fifteenth year of the reign of King Gustaf of Teflon, a certain man who did winneth the bread came unto his home and finding a woman there, spake unto the woman, “Woman, from wence hast thou comest?”

And the woman said unto the man, “Dearest husband, thou hast been forced to work so long and hard to pay homage unto the King and tribute to Darth Garbage, thou hast forgotten me.

The King did pisseth off MOAT (Mother of All Things) and MOAT did causeth the King Gustaf to be infested with Cooties, Cooties of the Crotch.

No one will come forth and kiss the King’s rosy, red and royal buttocks for fear of catching Cooties and the King taketh not money from us.

Now that thee workest not all the time, thou hath once again noticed me.”

In those days the spouses celebrated their wedded bliss with the Rites of Marital Poon-Tang (Romp).

And the spouses did Rompeth, one with another and the spouses did Rompeth in the wood and the spouses did Rompeth in the meadow and the spouses did Rompeth in the backseat of their chariot as in days of old.

And the man was happy to find that he was with spouse.

And a certain woman who did winneth the bread, upon seeing her house husband sayeth unto him, “Man, from wence hast thou comest?”

And the man sayeth, “Dearest wife, thou hast been forced to work so long and hard to pay homage unto the King and tribute to Darth Garbage, thou hast forgotten me.

The King did pisseth off MOAT (Mother of All Things) and MOAT did causeth the King to be infested with Cooties, Cooties of the Crotch.

No one will come forth and kiss the King’s rosy, red and royal buttocks for fear of catching Cooties and the King taketh not money from us and now that thee workest not all the time, thou has once again noticed me.”

And the spouses did Rompeth, one with another and the spouses did Rompeth in the wood and the spouses did Rompeth in the meadow and the spouses did Rompeth in the backseat of their chariot as in days of old.

And the woman was happy to find that she was with spouse.

And it came to pass that a certain man and a certain woman who both winneth the bread did cometh unto their house and finding children there, did inquireth of the children, “From wence hast thou cometh?”

And the male heir did respond and sayeth, “Dearest Parental Units, thou hast been forced to work so long and hard to pay homage unto the King and tribute to Darth Garbage, thou hast forgotten us.

We have been with the Sitter of Babies these many years.

Or the female heir would say, “Dearest Parental Units, thou hast been forced to work so long and hard to pay homage unto the King and tribute to Darth Garbage, thou hast forgotten us.

We have been with our Grand Parental Units these many years.”

And the Spouses were happy to be with family.

And the spouses did Rompeth, one with another and the spouses did Rompeth in the wood and the spouses did Rompeth in the meadow and the spouses did Rompeth in the backseat of their chariot as in days of old.

And when a friend of the male heir did sayeth unto him, “Come, let us partake of this whacky weed.”

The male heir would say, “Nay, nay, nay I don’t smoke it no more, I’m tired of waking up on the floor.”

And the male heir continued, “Now that the King taketh not money from my Parental Units and my Parental Units no longer work their fingers to the bone, they take pleasure in my company.

Tonight we are watching a special report about Heavenly Heating and we have vowed to help the Recycler save the world.”

And when a friend of the female heir would say, “Come, let us baketh some Meth, rotteth our teeth and causeth great consternation and worry to our Parental Units,” the female heir would say, “Nay, nay, nay.

Tonight my family is going to see a Gal Ore’s new PowerPoint presentation, A Truth of Inconvenience. My family has vowed to help the Recycler save Heaven, as one day, my heir’s will inherit this beautiful planet. Indeed, my family has become non-dysfunctional.”

And after their nightly Romp, the Spouses would talk upon their pillows, for in Heaven the man falleth not asleep after Poon-Tang (Sex).

And the Spouse would sayeth, “Now that we worketh not to pay tribute to the King and Darth Garbage, we can see what a wonderful world is Heaven.

We must help the Recycler save this Planet for our children and their children.

We should support the Recycler and force the evil King Gustaf to abdicate.”

And the King was sore afraid.

Glassel for Commissioner
Meth Kills and Ruins Lives, Stamp it Out

Lone Recycler--Episode Seven

Episode Seven

And the Nairy was called to testify before The Patsy of Charles and the Nairy did sayeth, “When I was protected by Texas Ranger, I did opposeth giving the Peasant’s Landfill to Darth Garbage, the Lord Vader of Trash, but since the GOG (Guppies of Gustaf) replaceth Texas Ranger with a Patsy, the Patsy of Charles, I did selleth my ecological soul to Darth Garbage and did giveth my environmental backbone to the King for 30 pieces of silver and a ticket to retirement in the Land of Comfort and Ease by way of my pension for which the King doth taketh money from the Peasants (taxpayers), I now say, thou hath my blessing to giveth away the Peasant’s Landfill to Darth Garbage.”

And the Patsy did sayeth unto the Head of DICK (Department of Invironment by Command of the King )(the King was no great speller),

“Dick Head, thou art a good and faithful servant of the King, thou wilt truly find thy reward in the Land of Comfort and Ease.”

And the Patsy did giveth the Peasant’s Landfill to Darth Garbage, the Evil Lord Vader of Trash.

Which did pisseth off the Oracle and she did speak through the Recycler of Naïve and the Oracle did say, “Nairy, Nairy why hast thou forsaken me?

For thirty pieces of silver thou hast forsaken the Mother of All Things (MOAT), henceforth thou shalt be known as Nairy of Iscariot!”

And the Nairy did hangeth his head in shame.

And the Oracle did speak unto the King and all assembled in the Great Hall of Royal Buttock Kissing (GHORBK),

“Thou must let the people recycle!”

But the King did rebuketh the Mother of All Things (MOAT) and did say, “Be gone from us Witch, for on this day we have duped the Patsy of Charles into giving the Peasant’s Landfill to the evil Lord Vader of Trash and I will retire to the Land of Comfort and Ease (Florida).”

And the Duke of Rum did sayeth, “Be gone from us Witch, for on this day we have duped the Patsy of Charles into giving the Peasant’s Landfill to the evil Lord Vader of Trash and the King will retire to the Land of Comfort and Ease (Florida), pray his retirement be soon and short.”

And the Patsy of Charles did sayeth, “Be gone from us Witch, for on this day we have d…ddd.... dooooo… doooo …ooped the Paaaa…..tsy of Charrrrr……..rles into giving the Peasant’s Landfill to the evil Lord Vader of Trash and the King will retire to the Land of Comfort and Ease (Florida),” for the King had instructed the Patsy to repeateth whatever the Duke sayeth.

Once again the Oracle did speak, “Thou must let the people recycle!”

The Duke of Rum did throweth an empty beer can onto the floor and did sayeth, “Recycle this!”

And the aluminum can did turneth into a silvery serpent and all in the Great Hall were truly amazed.

Whereupon the mighty Oracle did command the Recycler to cast his Recycler’s Staff of Aluminum onto the floor. And the staff did turneth into a Terrier, the reincarnation of Benny of Yorkshire and the dog did devoureth the Duke’s silvery serpent.

Many in the Great Hall were spellbound and did say to the Recycler, “Truly, MOAT (Mother Of ALL Things) is with thee.”

Benny of Yorkshire did fairly leap onto the Tribunal and did drinketh the Duke’s beer and did devoureth all the cans of aluminum, did belcheth and did sayeth unto the Duke, “Thy beer tasteth like camel piss.”

Whereupon the Aluminum Dog did lifteth his leg and did pisseth on the King’s left foot and did pisseth on the King’s right foot and did then humpeth upon the Patsy’s right leg and did then humpeth upon the Patsy’s left leg.

When the King did finally catch the Terrier he did cast the dog onto the floor at the feet of the Recycler. But the dog did return to the shape of the staff and all in the Great Hall of Royal Buttock Kissing were amazed.

Many did vow to composteth their garbage and recycle their trash that very day.

But the King did sayeth as he wipeth the dog piss from his royal shoes, using the Patsy’s cloak, “These are cheap parlor tricks, nay, nay, nay, I will not let the people recycle.”

Once again the Oracle did speaketh, “I will visit thee with a host of plagues and surely thou wilt let the people recycle,” and the Oracle did cause the King to be smitten with hemorrhoids.

“Hemorrhoids, schemorrhoids,” sayeth the King, “as long as Darth payeth for my retirement in the Land of Comfort and Ease, I careth not.”

“Hemorrhoids, schemorrhoids,” sayeth the Duke, “as long as Darth payeth for my King’s retirement in the Land of Comfort and Ease, I careth not. May the King’s retirement be soon and short.”

“Hemorrhoids, schemorrhoids,” sayeth the Patsy, “as loooo…….ooong as Darth payee….eeeth for my Kiiii……ing’s retirement in the Land of Comfort and Ease, I careth not. May the King’s retirement be soon and short.”

And all in the Great Hall did toast the King, “Hail evil King Gustaf, may thy retirement be soon and short.”

But one should not messeth with the Mother of All Things and she did smite the Duke of Rum with DCWI’s (Driving Chariot While Intoxicated) and did smite the Patsy of Charles with an evil facial twitch.

And the Oracle did causeth the King to be smitten with Cooties, Cooties of the Crotch.

The Duke and the Patsy did immediately causeth Dubolee to sitteth at the King’s right hand and the Barrister of Integrity to sitteth at the King’s left hand lest one of the little critters did jumpeth from the King onto them.

However, the Barrister and Dubolee did quickly checketh their Google and did order a natural Cootie repellant from the Recycler’s brother in Deep South, www.cedarcide.com and were spared infestation from the King’s Crotch Cooties.

And word of the king’s infestation spread throughout the land.

As was the custom in those days, most men (and some women) did weareth beards and other hairy facial appendages and would no longer come forth to kiss the King’s rosy, red and royal buttocks fearing to tell their spouses they catcheth Cooties, Cooties of the Crotch from the King, the people came forth not to kiss the King’s rosy, red and royal buttocks and the King taketh not money from the Peasants (taxpayers).

And the King did dwelleth on Lonely Street at Heartbreak Hotel.

Glassel for Commissioner

Lone Recycler--Episode Six

Episode Six

And the Duke of Rum did woo-eth the Patsy of Charles, and spake unto her “Your eyes, your eyes………..,”

“Yes, Yes….” Sayeth the Patsy, with great anticipation.

“Your eyes, your eyes are like two piss holes in a snow bank.”

And the Patsy of Charles did giveth the Peasant’s Landfill to Darth Garbage and a great ceremony to honor the event was to be held at The Great Hall of Royal Buttock Kissing (GHORBK).

The Oracle did commandeth the Recycler of Political Naivety to attend the ceremony and did speaketh unto the Recycler, “Fearest not, Weed Hopper for I will speak for thee.

Takest this staff of recycled aluminum into which I have reincarnated the soul of thy long dead, oversexed and hyperactive Terrier, Benny of Yorkshire.”

And the Recyler did go onto the ceremony and did carry his staff with him.

The Duke did enter the Great Hall with two twelve packs of beer under each arm. The Duke of Rum was “with spirits” and did sayeth to the masses assembled there, “I just flew in from Rush Schitti and boy, are my arms tired,” and he did taketh his seat at the Royal Tribunal to the immediate right of King Gustaf. And the Patsy of Charles did sitteth at the King’s left hand.

As adversaries of the King, Dubolee did sitteth on the right hand of the Duke, far removed from the King and the Barrister of Integrity did sitteth at the left hand of the Patsy, far removed from the King.

And the Duke of Rum did lifteth the left cheek of his obese buttocks and did breaketh wind with violent veracity and the Great Hall fairly shook from the eruption.

In Heaven, most men and all politicians are great methane producers, but none were greater than the Duke, which was known to the King.

The Duke, seeking to blame someone else for the disruption, did looketh at Dubolee who sitteth next to him and sayeth unto Dubolee, “Shame be upon thee, for thou hast farted before the King.”

And the Great Hall did become deathly quiet.

And all in the Great Hall did looketh at Dubolee and did whisper amongst themselves and did say one to another, “Dubolee farteth before the King.”

Sir John of Bullwinkle, the King’s Administrator did nudgeth with his elbow the King’s Proscector, Katherine of Confusion who had slept through the entire episode.

And Bullwinkle spake to The Katherine of the current Parliamentary Predicament.

And The Katherine did open her copy of King’s Rules And Parliamentary Procedures (KRAPP).

And The Katherine did speak, “The Duke of Rum is correct, the King must be allowed to fart first, then the Duke may fart. Dubolee may fart only after The Patsy has farted. Dubolee mayest not fart before the King.

As prescribed by KRAPP, the King may order Dubolee’s testicles to be stretched.”

And the King sayeth unto Bullwinkle, “Bring forth the Royal Testicle Stretcher (RTS).”

And Bullwinkle did bring forth the Royal Testicle Stretcher and did commence to stretch Dubolee’s testicles.

And when Dubolee’s testicles did reacheth his knees, Bullwinkle did releaseth the suction cups that holdeth Dubolee’s testicles and Dubolee’s testicles reboundeth with great veracity and did ricochet about in Dubolee’s scrotum.

Thereafter, on certain days, Dubolee’s left testicle was where his right testicle should be and on other days, his right testicle was where his left testicle should be, and on many days Dubolee findeth not his testicles at all.

Henceforth, Dubolee was known as “180” Dubolee.

And the Duke did asketh the King in a whisper, “Do farts have lumps?”

Lone Recycler--Episode Five

Episode Five

For a fortnight the Duke of Rum did drinketh and make merry over the defeat of Texas Ranger, his mortal enemy.

When finally his hangover did go away, the Duke did approacheth the King to terminate the Nairy of Goreen who had been protected by Texas Ranger.

As a friend of Texas Ranger, the Nairy was an enemy of the Duke. As the Duke was a friend of King Gustaf, the King must also be an enemy of the Nairy, as this was the way of politics in South County in those days.

But the King did sayeth, “I senseth a tremor in this farce. Darth feareth the fulfillment of ancient prophesies that a recycler from Deep South will overthrow his Empire of Waste.

We may needeth the Nairy to discredit the Recycler of Naïve.

Let us give the Nairy, as a gift, to the Lord Vader of Trash.”

And the King and the Duke did summoneth the Nairy and did asketh the Nairy, “Wouldest thou like to join Texas Ranger in Real World?”

Though the Nairy liketh not the King or the Duke and did nearly puketh at the thought of discrediting his friend, the Recycler of Naïve, the Nairy did ask, “As I am with Spouse, may I discuss this matter with Spouse, for it is Law of Heaven that important decisions be discussed with Spouse.”

And the King did giveth the Nairy 24 hours to confer with Spouse as provided by law.

The Nairy did telleth his Spouse of his desire to join Texas Ranger in Real World.

“Dearest Nairy, thou hast never done well in Real World. If my Great Uncles’ cousin’s half sister’s spouse had not gotten you this job, we would have starved to death over these many years thou hast been in the King’s service.

Dearest Nairy, thou must live to fight another day.”

And so with fortitude supplied by his spouse, the Nairy did agree to the King’s wishes.

The King and the Duke did seek to proveth the Nairy’s resolve and did ask of him, “If Darth Garbage sayeth “Jump,” what will be thy response be?”

“How high, my Lord Vader of Trash!” spake the Nairy.

“And if the Lord Vader of Trash say crappeth?”

“I will say, What color and how much, Lord Garbage!”

And so, it came to pass, for thirty pieces of silver and his ticket to the Land of Comfort and Ease, the Nairy did selleth his ecological soul to Darth Garbage, the evil Lord Vader of Trash and did giveth his environmental spine to King Gustaf of Teflon.

Now, one might wonder how the Nairy could even walk without a backbone.

Verily, I say unto thee, if not for the strings held by Darth Garbage, the Nairy would surely have fallen into a crumpled mass.

But, in his soul of souls, the Nairy longed to recycle and to save the world from Heavenly Heating. He could only hope that one Sacred Day, Texas Ranger would returneth and would returneth with her, the Nairy’s spine.

Local GOP Blasts Bush-Crucifies Kalin-Mauls McCain, Ridicules Recyclers While Hiding in Anonymity.

Lone Recycler--Episode Four

Episode Four

And it came to pass, King Gustaf of Teflon did awaketh the mighty GOG (Guppies of Gustaf) and on Sacred Day the GOG did smite Texas Ranger and did sendeth her packing unto Real World and did replaceth Texas Ranger with a Patsy, The Patsy of Charles as commanded by the King.

And The Nairy of Goreen was sore afraid.

But the King did make merry with Enis, the Duke of Rum and Darth Garbage, the Lord Vader of Trash and Darth’s henchmen, Fearless Leader, Keeper of the Peasant’s Landfill and Darth’s Evil Genius, Mad Scientist.

“For this is great day,” spake the King. “The Patsy of Charles will giveth the Peasant’s Landfill to thee, Darth Garbage and I will retireth to the Land of Comfort and Ease (Florida) at thy expense.

“Yes, yes it is a good day, indeed,” spake Fearless Leader. “For Nazis, Commies and Fascists across Big Pond composteth their organics and do recycleth their trash which reduceth methane. Now we will produceth more methane to reach the “Tipping Point” of Heavenly Heating.

Only then can we achieveth Darth’s Evil Plan for Global Domination Through Heavenly Heating (DEPFGDTHH).”

Darth’s Evil Genius, Mad Scientist did developeth plans for a machine that turneth all garbage, not just organics, into methane, a gas of greenhouse 23 times more powerful than carbon dioxide.

The Peasant’s Garbage wouldeth be sliced, diced and formed into Magic Hockey Pucks (MHP’s). The Hockey Pucks couldeth then be heated to a kazillion degrees and molecules would fairly pop as though one did poppeth popcorn and would turneth all garbage into methane far more quickly than burying the garbage in the ground, as was the custom in those days.

For, in those days, methane from landfills was the greatest source of greenhouse gases which did causeth Heavenly Heating.

Though the King careth not, he did asketh The Lord Vader of Trash (just to make conversation), “How wilt thy plan of Global Domination through Heavenly Heating work?”

“It be quite simple, Gustaf. We sendeth our methane into the sky, the methane trappeth heat from the sun, Heaven heats up and the Ice Caps melteth. Sea levels riseth by several hundred feet and createth a new coastline where my lackeys do purchaseth land.

Indeed, I will own all the land along the new coastlines of Heaven and I will become a Real Estate Typhoon greater than the Donald of Trump.”

Whereupon, Mad Scientist did showeth the King a map of Heaven’s new land mass and the King did speaketh, “But the Land of Comfort and Ease (Florida) is no more, for thou hast flooded it.”

“Pray thy retirement be soon and short,” did speak Mad Scientist.

“A toast to the King”, speaketh Enis, the Duke of Rum, “May thy retirement be soon and short.”

“May thy retirement be soon and short,” spake Darth Garbage, The Lord Vader of Trash as he toasteth the King.

“May thy retirement be soon and short,” echoed Fearless Leader, the Keeper of the Peasant’s Landfill.

And a tear did falleth from the King’s eye and the King did speak, “It is not easy being thine King. Thy kindness and generosity maketh it all worthwhile. Thou art truly good and faithful servants.”

And Darth did speaketh, “In your honor, Gustaf, henceforth the Peasant’s Landfill will be known as King’s Landfill and Pucks (KLAP). Henceforth, Fearless Leader shall be known as the Head of KLAP.”

And KLAP Head was greatly moved and did vow undying loyalty to Darth and his Evil Plan for Global Domination.

Lone Recycler--Episode Three

Episode Three

And it came to pass, that the Recycler of Naive arrived in South County when the Nairy of Goreen was protected by Texas Ranger.

In those days, the Nairy was a mighty recycler and did cause much consternation and great worry to Darth Garbage, the evil Lord Vader of Trash.

The Recycler did tell the Nairy of his plan to save the world. The Nairy was much impressed and spake, “Thou wilt surely run Darth out of business or force him to recycle. Surely thou wilt deal a deadly blow to waste in South County. Thou wilt force the Lord Vader of Trash to recycle in order to compete with you.”

The Nairy, not yet knowing of the King’s Plan to give the peasant’s landfill to the Lord Vader of Trash, but suspicious of Darth and the King, bade the recycler to visit the King’s Boondoggle and Misadventures in the Garbage Business, the peasants (taxpayers) landfill far away where Darth did take the people’s trash where it be out of sight, out of mind and in someone else’s backyard, which was the custom in those days.

The Recycler felt a certain sadness as he toured the King’s Boondoggle. The ka-zillion shekels wasted there did cry out to the Recycler, for all things in Heaven desire to be useful and the King’s Misadventure was of no use to anyone.

The Keeper of the Peasant’s Landfill spake to the Recycler, “Nay, nay, nay. The people of this land will not recycle. Only those Nazis, Commies and Fascists across Big Pond will recycle.

Why dost thou not go into the Valley of Croix and do battle with The Dragon of the East? The Dragon consumeth much of Darth’s garbage and the peasants payeth not tribute to my Lord Vader of Trash as commanded by the King.”

But the Recycler sayeth, “Nay, the Oracle has decreed my mission is South County. Once South County recycles their garbage and composts their trash, the whole world will follow suite.”

Unable to dissuade the Recycler from his mission, the Keeper of the Peasants Landfill bade the Recycler to speak of his plan to the King, knowing full well of the King’s intention to give the Peasants Landfill to Darth Garbage, The Lord Vader of Trash.

King Gustaf of Teflon did say to the Recycler, “Comest thou to the Night of Royal Buttock Kissing that we may speak of your plan to save Heaven. Checkest thy Google for dates and times.”

So the Recycler of Political Naivety did go to Night of Royal Buttock Kissing.

And the Keeper of the Special People did come forth and did kisseth the King’s rosy, red and royal buttocks and the King did take money from the peasants and did give it to the Keeper of the Special People.

Next, the Director of Wellness came forth and did kisseth the King’s rosy, red and royal buttocks and asketh the King for 5,000 greenbacks so he might take a vacation to the New City of York.

But the Barrister of Integrity sayeth, “The peasants already pay thee a kazillion denari each year, why dost thou not pay for thine own vacation to the New City of York?”

But the Director of Wellness did kisseth the King’s rosy, red and royal buttock’s some more and the King did take money from the peasants and did give the money to the Director of Wellness for his vacation to the New City of York.

Next cometh a builder of castles and he did kisseth the King’s rosy, red and royal buttocks.

But Dubolee did speaketh, “Thy castles do not meet the requirements of this land.”

The builder of castles did kisseth the King’s rosy, red and royal buttocks some more and the King did speak, “Hast thou joined the GOG? (Guppies of Gustaf)”

“Yes, my Liege,” speaketh the builder of castles.

“Are thy dues current?” spake the King.

“Yes, my Liege,” speaketh the builder of castles.

And the King did say, “Build thy castles as thou wishest.”

A man whose spouse was deathly ill, did come forth to plead for the life of his spouse’s favorite dog who had offended the GOG, and the King did killeth the man’s dog.

Then a peasant, the Petter of Tonyfeso, did come forth.

But the Petter cometh not to kisseth the King’s rosy, red and royal buttocks.

The Petter did speak unto the King, “Truly thou art from the Land of Schmuck!
You maketh the peasants buy lance tips for the Summer Jousts, you selleth the lance tips to the jousters and pocketeth the money for thy own use.

Thou double and triple dippeth on thy per diem, thou park thy chariot in spots reserved for the Special People and now thou hast lied on Sacred Day. Thou hast never been a Constable, only a rent a cop security guard. Thou dost not know Dubya, the highest authority in the land and thou art not a friend of Dubya as thou hast claimed.
Hast thou no shame? Thou should abdicate, posthaste and spare South County further embarrassment.”

“Nay, nay, nay. I shall not abdicate. I haveth special dispensation from my Preacher, to lie on Sacred Day,” sayeth the King.

And the King did take away the peasants right to speak at the night of Royal Buttock Kissing. No more would those with differing political agendas be allowed to speak in front of the King.

The King did then invite the Recycler to his private room in the Great Hall and spake to him saying, “If thou dost now understand Gustaf Nomics, thou mayest now kiss my rosy, red and royal buttocks.”

But the Oracle did speak to the Recycler and sayeth, “Trust not this man known as King Gustaf of Teflon, from the Land of Schmuck, tell him not of thy plan to save the world.”

So the Recycler did sayeth unto the King, “Thou art all buttock, I knoweth not wence to start.”
With a terrible sadness and a heavy heart, the Recycler did leave the Great Hall of Royal Buttock Kissing.

Lone Recycler--Episode Two

Episode Two

In those days, a common man dwelled in the Valley of Depression in the Land of Political Naivety in that part of Heaven known as Deep South.

The Oracle awaketh Common Man from a deep slumber and sayeth “Common Man, thou must leave thy depression behind and return to the land of thy youth, posthaste.”

“It is 3:00 AM, why dost thou waketh me in the middle of a good dream?

Nay, I cannot return to South County, posthaste, for my friend marryeth his sister tomorrow, and I am Best Man.”

“Common Man, thou must save the world.”

“Aaaarg! Saving the world requireth a Super Hero. I am but a Common Man. Why dost thou not contact the Bruce of Willis or the Arnold of Schwarzenegger?’

“Arnold ruleth the land of Left Coast and the Bruce is on location. Thou art not my first choice, but one plays with the cards one is dealt.”

“ But South County is in Frozen North, I feareth freezing my buttocks off in the land of permafrost.”

“Heaven hath a fever, thou will find winters quite tolerable,” sayeth the Oracle.

“I did not know Heaven could get sick,” sayeth Common Man.

“Your world hath a virus called “Heavenly Heating,” sayeth the Oracle.

“I knowest of this theory, but it is many years hence, long after I pass to a better world, I worryeth not about Heavenly Heating. Heavenly Heating art the problem of Future Generation.”

Common Man did not understand the order of things in the universe. Consciousness, like energy cannot be destroyed.

Common Man chose not to comprehend his own immortality.

Common Man kneweth not, until his passing, the choice of the next world was his alone, and no other place, in all the Universe was better than Heaven.

Herein lies the Oracle’s problem. Heaven had become a victim of its own success.

People were just dying to get in.

Heaven had become the most popular afterlife in the entire universe and current residents kept coming back and back and back upon discovering their current world was the best of all.

“Wake up Common Man,” spoke the Oracle.

“Thou art back again,” sayeth Common Man,
“Shrink changeth my Meds, but again you have returned. Shrink sayeth thou art a figment of my imagination.

Botherth me no more for I must rest.

Saving the world is the job of Big Government, not Common Man.”

“Nay, nay, nay,” sayeth the Oracle, “Big Government is concerned with getting reelected and thinks only four years hence.”

“Then saving the world is the job of Big Business.”

“Nay, nay, nay,” sayeth the Oracle, “Big Business thinketh only of its shareholders is concerned only with the next three months.

“You, Common Man, must save the world.”

Common Man knew not of the Oracle’s Dilemma. The Oracle had overbooked reservations for 11 billion souls in the next century, yet the people of Heaven consumed natural resources at a rate that could support a mere 8 billion souls. If waste could not be ended quickly, all mankind would wage war over the precious remaining resources and Heaven would become known as the Hell of Heavenly Heating.

“Wake up, Common Man,” sayeth the Oracle, Thou must save the world.”

“Aaargh,” sayeth Common Man, “Shrink giveth me sleeping pills, and yet you still waketh me.

“Why dost thou not waive your magic wand and save the world yourself?”

“Dost thou think this is a Fairy Tale?” replied the Oracle. “Dost thou need a lightning bolt shot up thy buttocks to understand my Dilemma?”

“Perhaps,” the Oracle continued, “Perhaps, I should let Common Man be reincarnated as a bug for next 3 billion years, for that is all that will survive in Heaven if thou dost not save the world.

“Aaaaarg,” thinketh the Oracle to Herself, “but then I would lose my bonus!”

A light bulb did flasheth inside the Oracle’s mind.

“Common Man, thou mayest get rich and retire to the Land of Comfort and Ease.”

“I can get rich saving the world?”

For a time Common Man had lived in the Land of Entrepreneurs and the thought of making money reignited his desire for wealth and fame.

“Oracle, good buddy, my bags are packed.”

“Henceforth, thou shalt be known as the Recycler of Naïve. I giveth you the Google of Knowledge as your trusty side kick.”

“Google is cool, but can thou loan me fifty somolians for gas?”

Vanishing into the night, the Oracle responded, “Why dost thou think I invented Greyhound?”

The Oracle continued, “Remember always, Weed Hopper, you must find treasure in all things and every obstacle in thy path is but a stepping stone toward saving the world.”


“Obstacles? This should be quite easy,” the Recycler of Naïve thought to himself as he rode his bus across Breadbasket, “Surely the people of South County will embrace my plan to save the world and I will be back in Deep South before the snow flies.”

Lone Recycler--Episode One

The Return
of
The Lone Recycler
Who was that Masked Junkman?

The days were dark in South County. The writers strike had left the comics out of work. But just when South County thought it would never laugh again, a hero arose to recycle those old jokes and puns. Yes, with 10,000 comedians out of work, Uncle Lars Bob was trying to be funny.

Written by Uncle Lars Bob

Return with us to those thrilling days of yesteryear, to a galaxy far, far away, to the Mythical Planet of Heaven revolving around a star in the remote, outer reaches of the Galaxy of Almond Joy.

It’s story time, boys and girls, but remember, this is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to our ruling elite or the politically connected is purely coincidental.

Please read responsibly. Eating or drinking while reading the comic section of this paper is strongly discouraged as wild fits of laughter could cause choking or other injuries. This paper is meant to be enjoyed by mature audiences as those under 12 may not get the punch lines anyway.

Episode One

And it came to pass, that in the twelfth year of his rule, evil King Gustaf of Teflon, decreed that all the peasants of the mythical land of South County be taxed heavily to pay for the King’s Boondoggle and Mis-adventures in the Garbage Business.

Unbeknownst to the peasants (taxpayers), the King plans to give the peasant’s landfill to Darth Garbage, the evil Lord Vader of Trash in exchange for retirement in the Land of Comfort and Ease (Florida).

Lord Trash feared the fulfillment of ancient prophesies that spoke of a Recycler from the land of Deep South who would raise a mighty army of recyclers to overthrow his empire of waste.
Darth knew he must act quickly, for King Gustaf held power only through control of the GOG (Guppies of Gustaf). And the GOG grew older and weaker each day, as did the King.
Surely the day of his abdication would come soon and retirement weighed heavily upon the King’s mind.

The King conspires with the Enis, the Duke of Rum.

“Thy plan hath failed,” sayeth the Duke to the King. “if I go to the dungeon, I swear on this can of beer, thou wilt go with me.”

“Easy, my rotund friend. Neither you nor I will ever see the inside of a dungeon,” speaketh the King. “We have suffered a minor setback, nothing more.”

“At your behest, Gustaf, I gaveth away the peasants landfill. The Nairy of Goreen discovered my deceit and squealeth to Barrister of Integrity. Now Barrister, Texas Ranger and Dubolee seeketh my head on a platter and my buttocks in the dungeon.

I feareth my crime be not as great as my friend and mentor who rotteth at Country Club Prison in the Land of Favre. I feareth I will rot in the Dungeon of Still Waters.”
“Feareth not, Fat One. I haveth a new plan. Sacred Day cometh on the First Tuesday of November. We will replaceth Texas Ranger with a Patsy, a Patsy who will do our bidding.

“Arrgh, but where will we find such a Patsy.”

“The Patsy of Charles will serve us well, my friend,” sayeth the King.

“Ahhh, the Patsy of Charles is from the Land of GLOB (Good Looking Old Broads) spake the Duke of Rum.

Seeing the lust in the Duke’s eyes, the King speaketh, “Yes, Duke, you must woo her. Convince her that we cometh from the Land of Integrity and Honesty. She will give the landfill to Darth Garbage and never be the wiser. She art thou “Get Out of Dungeon Free Card” and my ticket to retirement in the Land of Comfort and Ease (Florida).”

“Thou art truly brilliant my Liege, with Texas Ranger gone, we can eliminate the Nairy of Goreen once and for all.

Lord Vader of Trash liketh not to recycle and liketh the Nairy even less.
Truly, we killeth two birds with one stone.”

Shopping Locally
Saves Gas and
Reduces Greenhouse Emissions

Glassel's Raise $1,100 for Hugo Community Food Shelf

Jonathan P. Glassel and his wife Bonnie are happy to announce the donation of $1,100 to the Hugo Community Food Shelf.

Like many churches and charitable organizations, the food shelf cannot accept cars and boats.

Acting as a conduit, the Glassel's accepted a used boat in their behalf and when sold, gave 100% of the proceeds to the food shelf.

Glassel commented, "Everyone is a winner on this deal. The boat was worth about $2,000 (in season), the donating party got a tax deduction, the purchaser got a great deal and the food shelf got some well needed cash at Christmas time."

Glassel concluded by saying, "We hope to do this again."

Commissioner Robinson refuses comment on Drunk Driving Question

Editorial and Political Commentary by Jonathan P. Glassel

Gustafson and the Case for Term Limits

Editorial and Political Commentary by Jonathan P. Glassel

Jury Still Out on Reiter, First in a Series

Janet should return pay raise and prosecute Gustafson

Editorial and Political Commentary by Jonathan P. Glassel

Many of our friends and neighbors, myself included supported Janet Reiter in her bid to replace the outgoing County Attorney, Katherine Johnson. We supported Janet based on her personal assurances of impartiality and her purported independence from the "Ruling Elitists."

We viewed this promised independence as a crucial first step toward rooting out the cronyism that is so prevalent in our County Government.

These are tough times for a lot of the folks in South County that supported Janet. Her salary as County Attorney is a great deal higher than her former position as assistant county attorney in Stillwater. That would be a sufficient pay raise for most of us.

I, for one was disappointed that Janet accepted the increase. I was sickened by the events leading up to her salary increase. Following is extracted from the Minutes of the Board Meeting.

"Discussion took place on the salaries for the elected officials, offering comment at this time were County Treasurer Lee Olson, County Sheriff Todd Rivard and County Attorney-elect Janet Reiter.
Commissioner Robinson stepping down from the chair and relinquishing the gavel to the vice chair offered a motion to set the 2007 salaries for the elected positions as follows: County Treasurer at $73,000; County Attorney at $88,000; County Auditor at $89,000, County Sheriff at $100,000.

Commissioner Gustafson seconded and offered a friendly amendment to change the County Attorney 2007 salary to $90,000. The friendly amendment was accepted by the motion maker.

NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED, that the Chisago County Board of Commissioners hereby establishes and sets the salaries for the county=s elected officials in the following amounts effective January 1, 2007; County Auditor $89,000; County Treasurer $73,000; County Sheriff $100,000; and County Attorney $90,000.
Commissioner Gustafson seconded the resolution and upon a vote being taken thereon, the following voted:

IN FAVOR THEREOF: Schultz, Robinson, Gustafson
OPPOSED: Montzka, Olseen, Whereupon the resolution was declared duly passed and adopted"

(End of Quote)

Is it strange that Reiter refuses to prosecute Gustafson for his campaign law violations and other gross misdeamors surrounding the SoftBallGate affair? I guess Janet has learned very quickly who butters her bread. After her second pay increase from Gustafson, Reiter now earns an extra $6,597 annually.

Elect and hold accountable was my promise to the good folks of South County. The people of South County provided the winning votes for Reiter. Now it is time to hold her accountable for her actions, or lack thereof. (First in a Series)

Glassel Launches Bid to Replace Gustafson in Commissioners Court

Uncle Lars Bob sez, “ My Nephew, the one what writes this BLOG, is the clear choice to replace Gustafson as Chisago County District III Commissioner.”

As a general rule, politicians in local elections rarely discuss issues. A local politician, confronted with local issues will rarely take a solid stand on the most mundane of topics, not wanting to tip his hand on the political deal making to come after the elections.

Local elections are really just “beauty contests” with the candidates promising you everything and anything to get elected. Glassel is different. Glassel promises to make the local issues as transparent as possible, allowing voters to make intelligent decisions on the issues affecting the good people of Chisago County. Following are just of the few of the issues Glassel will be addressing in the upcoming campaign.

Voter Referendum on Term Limits for Elected County Officials

A New Jail for Sheriff Rivard?

Creation of Local Jobs and Sustainable Communities

The Highway 8 Corridor through Lindstrom

SoftballGate

Global Warming

MastersGate

Direct Democracy, Can your Politician be replaced with a computer?

County Landfill Problems

Corruption and Cronyism in County Government

Chisago County Taxes Triple in Ten years

Enough is enough!

Glassel will not vote to raise County Taxes, ever!