Lone Recycler--Episode Eleven

Episode Eleven

Indeed, all the King’s men were Master Baiters.

In those days, South County hath many lakes. And those lakes hath many fishes. The peasants (taxpayers) of South County being duly concerned about fish overpopulation did construct tiny houses on the frozen lakes.

Upon drilling holes through the ice, the peasants lureth the over breeding little menaces to the ice hole by placing a frozen worm on the end of a hook.

The thought of handling this worm was distasteful, so many hireth the services of professional baiters. The baiters procedeth from ice house to ice house baiting hooks for the peasants (taxpayers).

On both days of summer, the baiters would go from boat to boat and Master Bait.

For many generations, the females of South County were not allowed to Master Bait. The thought of females touching that nasty worm was uncomfortable for many and for years the King forbade female Master Baiting.

In time attitudes changed and many asked the question, “If females can be doctors and lawyers, they should be allowed to Master Bait.”

The Patsy of Charles, after an apprenticeship of nearly twenty years became the first female Master Baiter in South County and the King did replaceth Texas Ranger with a Master Baiter, the Patsy of Charles.

But of all the Master Baiters in all the land, Occifer Ogre, the King’s Kung Fu Guy, was the most proficient.

Now, boys and girls, most people knoweth not that Occifer Ogre was raised by the Indigenous Peoples (Native Americans) of South County.

Occifer Ogre had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. Occifer Ogre went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name...

The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named.

It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."

Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name?

The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky...

The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name...

And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth.

Then the Chief speaketh to Occifer Ogre, "Why dost thou ask, Two Dogs Humping?"

In those days, in the Village of Strom did dwelleth Pudd, the village idiot. Pudd was long and lean and wore a pink dunce helmet which turneth blue when Pudd was wet or cold.

Occifer Ogre was bully, perhaps stemming from his time with the Indians and Occifer Ogre did poundeth Pudd.

Occifer Ogre poundeth Pudd in the park. Occifer Ogre pounded Pudd by the lake. Occifer Ogre even took Pudd home and poundeth Pudd in his bathroom and poundeth Pudd in his bedroom.

Indeed, every time Occifer Ogre saw Pudd, Pudd would get pounded.

And the peasants (taxpayers) would ask Occifer Ogre, “Why dost thou pound Pudd day and night?”

And Occifer Ogre would say, “One day I will take a spouse. I am practicing the marital arts of Kung Fu, Tae Kwon Doe and Ju Jitsui to prepare myself for marriage.”

And the King was very proud of Occifer Ogre and Occifer Ogre did Master Bait for the King.

And the King saw that Occifer Ogre was the best of his Master Baiters.

And the King did order all his Master Baiters to poundeth Pudd. With all the King’s men pounding Pudd, Pudd could take no more and moveth to another village.

And the King’s Master Baiters spake, “Woe is me for Pudd has left town.” And the King seeing, the distress of his Master Baiters, ordered life size replicas of Pudd for each of his Master Baiters to pound.

In those days the women did seek equality with the men and the King was forced to hire female Master Baiters. In those days, the thought of a woman pounding Pudd was coothless, indeed. And so the females working for the King were given a set of knockers.

You know, a series of six steel balls hung from a pendulum. And by raising one ball, it would whack against the other until the energy transferred to the final ball.

Some were given hooters (noisemakers) and others were given a really nice set of puppies that were kept in a frilly training device known as a Booby Restraining Apparatus (BRA). But the puppies could neither roll over or fetch, however some could sit up and beg.

And while the peasants (taxpayers) toiled and Heaven became hotter, all the King’s men Master Baited.
To be continued.

Lone Recycler--Episode Ten

Episode Ten

And the Duke of Rum was much aggrieved that the Recycler dared speak out when the Patsy giveth the Peasant’s landfill to Darth Garbage and vowed to extract revenge from our hero.

In those days, the Sheriff of Toddingham desireth to build a new dungeon and needeth support from the Duke and the King to build this new dungeon.

Like all politicians, the Sheriff of Toddingham sought immortality by having his name indelibly inscribed on the cornerstone of the new dungeon for all of eternity.

In those days, the King's Magistrate was Rudge Roody and Rudge Roody did decree that the Recycler from the Land of Political Naivety appear before him in the King's Court.

And Rudge Roody sayeth unto the Recycler, "Thou mayest not call this man from the land of Schmuck, a Schmuck.

Indeed, our King is from the Land of Schmuck, The Duke of Rum is from the Land of Schmuck, the King's Prosecutor, Katherine the Confused, is from the Land of Schmuck and I, too, am from that very land."

And Rudge Roody did set about to incarcerate our Hero.

But just in the nick of time, Barrister Prodi of Jewel did donneth the tights and cape of a Super Heroine and did cometh forth to save the Recycler from the evil Rudge Roody.

Barrister Prodi of Jewel sayeth unto Rudge Roody, "Thou mayest not incarcerate the Recycler of Naive, for Thou hast not the power," and a great battle did ensueth with Prodi of Jewel striking Rudge Roody about the head and shoulders parts with the Law of the Land and our Hero was released from the custody of the evil King and his evil Magistrate.

But Rudge Roody voweth revenge on all who seeketh to do good and did donneth the mask, tights and cape of a Super Villain, and became the Dreaded Judge Buttholio.

In those days, the male heirs of the town would form a pack and walk about the Village of Strom striking sticks together to ward away the evil spirits. And these youngsters were known as Club Scouts.

And the Club Scouts did set about to do good deeds for all the people of the Village of Strom.

And as a Club Scout was about to help 87 year old Elderly School Marm across the street, a shadowy figure emerged from the dark and spake, "'Tis I, the Dreaded Judge Buttholio. Club Scout, dost thou have a license to do good deeds?”

"Nay, Nay, Nay," sayeth the Club Scout, "I was just helping Elderly School Marm across the street.

I needeth not a license to do good deeds for the Club Scouts are protected by Grandfather Clause."

And Elderly School Marm sayeth unto Dreaded Judge Buttholio, "Thou lookest familiar. I have taught every Fifth Grader in South County for the last 60 years. Thou lookest like Rudge Roody!"

"Nay, nay, nay," sayeth Dreaded Judge Buttholio, "Rudge Roody is a wimp. I looketh not like Rudge Roody! Shut thy mouth or I will surely incarcerate thee, Old Hag!"

Undeterred, Elderly School Marm continued, "Thy mouth looketh like a sphincter muscle, Thou hast anus breath, thine eyes look like two drooping hemorrhoids.

Even through thy Speedo mask, I can see thy nose has been circumcised. Truly thou art Rudge Roody.”

Elderly School Marm explained further to the young Club Scout, “Sad story, Rudge Roody. He was so butt ugly at birth, the doctor couldn't tell one end from the other and circumcised his nose by mistake. Truly, that kid falleth from the ugly tree and did striketh every branch on the way down.

He was known as Dick Gnose in those days.

The school children teased him unmercifully. But that kid could launch a booger! When he sneezed, the whole class would duck. Dick Gnose (Rudge Roody) could hit the blackboard from the back row.

Elderly School Marm continued, “Eventually Dick Gnose was drafted into the King’s Army, where he won several medals for his service as a battering ram. The King then sent him to baiting school. After many years as an apprentice, Dick Gnose became a Master Baiter, often Master Baiting the King’s own hook.

The King rewarded Dick Gnose by sending him to Law School where he becometh Rudge Roody. And now, the judicious Master Baiter, Rudge Roody becometh the Super Villain, The Dreaded Judge Buttholio.”

Lone Recycler--Episode Nine

Episode Nine

And it came to pass, that the King’s Administrator, Sir John of Bullwinkle spake to the King, “Sire, sire, the peasants (taxpayers) are revolting.” And the King sayeth, “You’re telling me? They stink on ice.”

“Pray tell,” spake the King,” what do the peasants say about your King?”

“The peasants say thou eateth crap and bark at the moon,” spake Bullwinkle.

“And how did thee respond?”

“I spake to the peasants, Nay, nay, nay, I have spent many nights with the Your Majesty and never once have I seen the King bark at the moon.”

“What else do the peasants say about your King?” spake King Gustaf.

“They say thou eateth crap sandwiches, but I told them of thine distaste for bread.”

“The Peasants say you smell and I said, like chit you do.”

Whereupon the King thanked Bullwinkle for his loyalty and at his urging, King Gustaf and Enis, The Duke of Rum decided to go unto South County to win back the hearts and minds of the peasants (taxpayers) before Sacred Day.

And the King spake unto the Duke, "Let us depart unto Wal-Mart, get some cheezy clothes and shoes like the peasants (taxpayers) wear, and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador Retriever.

When we look the part, we'll go to a nice old country bar somewhere in South County and show the peasants (taxpayers) that we really enjoy this land and show admiration and respect for the Caucasian Refuse (White Trash) living there."

A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from The Great Hall of Royal Buttock Kissing in a westerly direction. Walking down the street they spot a vicious looking Rottweiler, vigorously licking his private parts.

The Duke looks at the chained dog and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that!"

Gustaf turneth to his friend and spake "Do you think that dog would let you?, he looks quite ferocious, perhaps if thou wouldest pet him first.”

Eventually they arriveth at Smitty’s Bar, just the place they were seeking.

With the dog in tow, they walk into a bar. When they stepped up to the bar, the bartender takes a step back and says, "Aren't you Evil King Gustaf and The Duke of Rum?"

"Yes we are", says Gustaf "and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and the Duke suggested we stop and take in some local color."

As the King was a Dunker, he ordered Grape Juice while the Duke consumed large quantities of beer, all the while, chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

All of a sudden... the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in. He walks up to the Labrador, lifts its tail, and looks underneath, shrugs his shoulders and walks out the door.

A few moments later, in comes another old farmer... walks up to the dog, lifts its tail, looks underneath, scratches his head and then leaves the bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Gustaf and the Duke could stand it no longer and called the bartender over.

"Tell me", says the King, "why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of quaint old custom?"

"Good Lord no", said the bartender. "Its just that someone had told them there was a Labrador Retriever in this bar with two Assholes!"

Lone Recycler--Episode Eight

Episode Eight

And it came to pass, that in the fifteenth year of the reign of King Gustaf of Teflon, a certain man who did winneth the bread came unto his home and finding a woman there, spake unto the woman, “Woman, from wence hast thou comest?”

And the woman said unto the man, “Dearest husband, thou hast been forced to work so long and hard to pay homage unto the King and tribute to Darth Garbage, thou hast forgotten me.

The King did pisseth off MOAT (Mother of All Things) and MOAT did causeth the King Gustaf to be infested with Cooties, Cooties of the Crotch.

No one will come forth and kiss the King’s rosy, red and royal buttocks for fear of catching Cooties and the King taketh not money from us.

Now that thee workest not all the time, thou hath once again noticed me.”

In those days the spouses celebrated their wedded bliss with the Rites of Marital Poon-Tang (Romp).

And the spouses did Rompeth, one with another and the spouses did Rompeth in the wood and the spouses did Rompeth in the meadow and the spouses did Rompeth in the backseat of their chariot as in days of old.

And the man was happy to find that he was with spouse.

And a certain woman who did winneth the bread, upon seeing her house husband sayeth unto him, “Man, from wence hast thou comest?”

And the man sayeth, “Dearest wife, thou hast been forced to work so long and hard to pay homage unto the King and tribute to Darth Garbage, thou hast forgotten me.

The King did pisseth off MOAT (Mother of All Things) and MOAT did causeth the King to be infested with Cooties, Cooties of the Crotch.

No one will come forth and kiss the King’s rosy, red and royal buttocks for fear of catching Cooties and the King taketh not money from us and now that thee workest not all the time, thou has once again noticed me.”

And the spouses did Rompeth, one with another and the spouses did Rompeth in the wood and the spouses did Rompeth in the meadow and the spouses did Rompeth in the backseat of their chariot as in days of old.

And the woman was happy to find that she was with spouse.

And it came to pass that a certain man and a certain woman who both winneth the bread did cometh unto their house and finding children there, did inquireth of the children, “From wence hast thou cometh?”

And the male heir did respond and sayeth, “Dearest Parental Units, thou hast been forced to work so long and hard to pay homage unto the King and tribute to Darth Garbage, thou hast forgotten us.

We have been with the Sitter of Babies these many years.

Or the female heir would say, “Dearest Parental Units, thou hast been forced to work so long and hard to pay homage unto the King and tribute to Darth Garbage, thou hast forgotten us.

We have been with our Grand Parental Units these many years.”

And the Spouses were happy to be with family.

And the spouses did Rompeth, one with another and the spouses did Rompeth in the wood and the spouses did Rompeth in the meadow and the spouses did Rompeth in the backseat of their chariot as in days of old.

And when a friend of the male heir did sayeth unto him, “Come, let us partake of this whacky weed.”

The male heir would say, “Nay, nay, nay I don’t smoke it no more, I’m tired of waking up on the floor.”

And the male heir continued, “Now that the King taketh not money from my Parental Units and my Parental Units no longer work their fingers to the bone, they take pleasure in my company.

Tonight we are watching a special report about Heavenly Heating and we have vowed to help the Recycler save the world.”

And when a friend of the female heir would say, “Come, let us baketh some Meth, rotteth our teeth and causeth great consternation and worry to our Parental Units,” the female heir would say, “Nay, nay, nay.

Tonight my family is going to see a Gal Ore’s new PowerPoint presentation, A Truth of Inconvenience. My family has vowed to help the Recycler save Heaven, as one day, my heir’s will inherit this beautiful planet. Indeed, my family has become non-dysfunctional.”

And after their nightly Romp, the Spouses would talk upon their pillows, for in Heaven the man falleth not asleep after Poon-Tang (Sex).

And the Spouse would sayeth, “Now that we worketh not to pay tribute to the King and Darth Garbage, we can see what a wonderful world is Heaven.

We must help the Recycler save this Planet for our children and their children.

We should support the Recycler and force the evil King Gustaf to abdicate.”

And the King was sore afraid.

Glassel for Commissioner
Meth Kills and Ruins Lives, Stamp it Out

Lone Recycler--Episode Seven

Episode Seven

And the Nairy was called to testify before The Patsy of Charles and the Nairy did sayeth, “When I was protected by Texas Ranger, I did opposeth giving the Peasant’s Landfill to Darth Garbage, the Lord Vader of Trash, but since the GOG (Guppies of Gustaf) replaceth Texas Ranger with a Patsy, the Patsy of Charles, I did selleth my ecological soul to Darth Garbage and did giveth my environmental backbone to the King for 30 pieces of silver and a ticket to retirement in the Land of Comfort and Ease by way of my pension for which the King doth taketh money from the Peasants (taxpayers), I now say, thou hath my blessing to giveth away the Peasant’s Landfill to Darth Garbage.”

And the Patsy did sayeth unto the Head of DICK (Department of Invironment by Command of the King )(the King was no great speller),

“Dick Head, thou art a good and faithful servant of the King, thou wilt truly find thy reward in the Land of Comfort and Ease.”

And the Patsy did giveth the Peasant’s Landfill to Darth Garbage, the Evil Lord Vader of Trash.

Which did pisseth off the Oracle and she did speak through the Recycler of Naïve and the Oracle did say, “Nairy, Nairy why hast thou forsaken me?

For thirty pieces of silver thou hast forsaken the Mother of All Things (MOAT), henceforth thou shalt be known as Nairy of Iscariot!”

And the Nairy did hangeth his head in shame.

And the Oracle did speak unto the King and all assembled in the Great Hall of Royal Buttock Kissing (GHORBK),

“Thou must let the people recycle!”

But the King did rebuketh the Mother of All Things (MOAT) and did say, “Be gone from us Witch, for on this day we have duped the Patsy of Charles into giving the Peasant’s Landfill to the evil Lord Vader of Trash and I will retire to the Land of Comfort and Ease (Florida).”

And the Duke of Rum did sayeth, “Be gone from us Witch, for on this day we have duped the Patsy of Charles into giving the Peasant’s Landfill to the evil Lord Vader of Trash and the King will retire to the Land of Comfort and Ease (Florida), pray his retirement be soon and short.”

And the Patsy of Charles did sayeth, “Be gone from us Witch, for on this day we have d…ddd.... dooooo… doooo …ooped the Paaaa…..tsy of Charrrrr……..rles into giving the Peasant’s Landfill to the evil Lord Vader of Trash and the King will retire to the Land of Comfort and Ease (Florida),” for the King had instructed the Patsy to repeateth whatever the Duke sayeth.

Once again the Oracle did speak, “Thou must let the people recycle!”

The Duke of Rum did throweth an empty beer can onto the floor and did sayeth, “Recycle this!”

And the aluminum can did turneth into a silvery serpent and all in the Great Hall were truly amazed.

Whereupon the mighty Oracle did command the Recycler to cast his Recycler’s Staff of Aluminum onto the floor. And the staff did turneth into a Terrier, the reincarnation of Benny of Yorkshire and the dog did devoureth the Duke’s silvery serpent.

Many in the Great Hall were spellbound and did say to the Recycler, “Truly, MOAT (Mother Of ALL Things) is with thee.”

Benny of Yorkshire did fairly leap onto the Tribunal and did drinketh the Duke’s beer and did devoureth all the cans of aluminum, did belcheth and did sayeth unto the Duke, “Thy beer tasteth like camel piss.”

Whereupon the Aluminum Dog did lifteth his leg and did pisseth on the King’s left foot and did pisseth on the King’s right foot and did then humpeth upon the Patsy’s right leg and did then humpeth upon the Patsy’s left leg.

When the King did finally catch the Terrier he did cast the dog onto the floor at the feet of the Recycler. But the dog did return to the shape of the staff and all in the Great Hall of Royal Buttock Kissing were amazed.

Many did vow to composteth their garbage and recycle their trash that very day.

But the King did sayeth as he wipeth the dog piss from his royal shoes, using the Patsy’s cloak, “These are cheap parlor tricks, nay, nay, nay, I will not let the people recycle.”

Once again the Oracle did speaketh, “I will visit thee with a host of plagues and surely thou wilt let the people recycle,” and the Oracle did cause the King to be smitten with hemorrhoids.

“Hemorrhoids, schemorrhoids,” sayeth the King, “as long as Darth payeth for my retirement in the Land of Comfort and Ease, I careth not.”

“Hemorrhoids, schemorrhoids,” sayeth the Duke, “as long as Darth payeth for my King’s retirement in the Land of Comfort and Ease, I careth not. May the King’s retirement be soon and short.”

“Hemorrhoids, schemorrhoids,” sayeth the Patsy, “as loooo…….ooong as Darth payee….eeeth for my Kiiii……ing’s retirement in the Land of Comfort and Ease, I careth not. May the King’s retirement be soon and short.”

And all in the Great Hall did toast the King, “Hail evil King Gustaf, may thy retirement be soon and short.”

But one should not messeth with the Mother of All Things and she did smite the Duke of Rum with DCWI’s (Driving Chariot While Intoxicated) and did smite the Patsy of Charles with an evil facial twitch.

And the Oracle did causeth the King to be smitten with Cooties, Cooties of the Crotch.

The Duke and the Patsy did immediately causeth Dubolee to sitteth at the King’s right hand and the Barrister of Integrity to sitteth at the King’s left hand lest one of the little critters did jumpeth from the King onto them.

However, the Barrister and Dubolee did quickly checketh their Google and did order a natural Cootie repellant from the Recycler’s brother in Deep South, www.cedarcide.com and were spared infestation from the King’s Crotch Cooties.

And word of the king’s infestation spread throughout the land.

As was the custom in those days, most men (and some women) did weareth beards and other hairy facial appendages and would no longer come forth to kiss the King’s rosy, red and royal buttocks fearing to tell their spouses they catcheth Cooties, Cooties of the Crotch from the King, the people came forth not to kiss the King’s rosy, red and royal buttocks and the King taketh not money from the Peasants (taxpayers).

And the King did dwelleth on Lonely Street at Heartbreak Hotel.

Glassel for Commissioner

Lone Recycler--Episode Six

Episode Six

And the Duke of Rum did woo-eth the Patsy of Charles, and spake unto her “Your eyes, your eyes………..,”

“Yes, Yes….” Sayeth the Patsy, with great anticipation.

“Your eyes, your eyes are like two piss holes in a snow bank.”

And the Patsy of Charles did giveth the Peasant’s Landfill to Darth Garbage and a great ceremony to honor the event was to be held at The Great Hall of Royal Buttock Kissing (GHORBK).

The Oracle did commandeth the Recycler of Political Naivety to attend the ceremony and did speaketh unto the Recycler, “Fearest not, Weed Hopper for I will speak for thee.

Takest this staff of recycled aluminum into which I have reincarnated the soul of thy long dead, oversexed and hyperactive Terrier, Benny of Yorkshire.”

And the Recyler did go onto the ceremony and did carry his staff with him.

The Duke did enter the Great Hall with two twelve packs of beer under each arm. The Duke of Rum was “with spirits” and did sayeth to the masses assembled there, “I just flew in from Rush Schitti and boy, are my arms tired,” and he did taketh his seat at the Royal Tribunal to the immediate right of King Gustaf. And the Patsy of Charles did sitteth at the King’s left hand.

As adversaries of the King, Dubolee did sitteth on the right hand of the Duke, far removed from the King and the Barrister of Integrity did sitteth at the left hand of the Patsy, far removed from the King.

And the Duke of Rum did lifteth the left cheek of his obese buttocks and did breaketh wind with violent veracity and the Great Hall fairly shook from the eruption.

In Heaven, most men and all politicians are great methane producers, but none were greater than the Duke, which was known to the King.

The Duke, seeking to blame someone else for the disruption, did looketh at Dubolee who sitteth next to him and sayeth unto Dubolee, “Shame be upon thee, for thou hast farted before the King.”

And the Great Hall did become deathly quiet.

And all in the Great Hall did looketh at Dubolee and did whisper amongst themselves and did say one to another, “Dubolee farteth before the King.”

Sir John of Bullwinkle, the King’s Administrator did nudgeth with his elbow the King’s Proscector, Katherine of Confusion who had slept through the entire episode.

And Bullwinkle spake to The Katherine of the current Parliamentary Predicament.

And The Katherine did open her copy of King’s Rules And Parliamentary Procedures (KRAPP).

And The Katherine did speak, “The Duke of Rum is correct, the King must be allowed to fart first, then the Duke may fart. Dubolee may fart only after The Patsy has farted. Dubolee mayest not fart before the King.

As prescribed by KRAPP, the King may order Dubolee’s testicles to be stretched.”

And the King sayeth unto Bullwinkle, “Bring forth the Royal Testicle Stretcher (RTS).”

And Bullwinkle did bring forth the Royal Testicle Stretcher and did commence to stretch Dubolee’s testicles.

And when Dubolee’s testicles did reacheth his knees, Bullwinkle did releaseth the suction cups that holdeth Dubolee’s testicles and Dubolee’s testicles reboundeth with great veracity and did ricochet about in Dubolee’s scrotum.

Thereafter, on certain days, Dubolee’s left testicle was where his right testicle should be and on other days, his right testicle was where his left testicle should be, and on many days Dubolee findeth not his testicles at all.

Henceforth, Dubolee was known as “180” Dubolee.

And the Duke did asketh the King in a whisper, “Do farts have lumps?”

Lone Recycler--Episode Five

Episode Five

For a fortnight the Duke of Rum did drinketh and make merry over the defeat of Texas Ranger, his mortal enemy.

When finally his hangover did go away, the Duke did approacheth the King to terminate the Nairy of Goreen who had been protected by Texas Ranger.

As a friend of Texas Ranger, the Nairy was an enemy of the Duke. As the Duke was a friend of King Gustaf, the King must also be an enemy of the Nairy, as this was the way of politics in South County in those days.

But the King did sayeth, “I senseth a tremor in this farce. Darth feareth the fulfillment of ancient prophesies that a recycler from Deep South will overthrow his Empire of Waste.

We may needeth the Nairy to discredit the Recycler of Naïve.

Let us give the Nairy, as a gift, to the Lord Vader of Trash.”

And the King and the Duke did summoneth the Nairy and did asketh the Nairy, “Wouldest thou like to join Texas Ranger in Real World?”

Though the Nairy liketh not the King or the Duke and did nearly puketh at the thought of discrediting his friend, the Recycler of Naïve, the Nairy did ask, “As I am with Spouse, may I discuss this matter with Spouse, for it is Law of Heaven that important decisions be discussed with Spouse.”

And the King did giveth the Nairy 24 hours to confer with Spouse as provided by law.

The Nairy did telleth his Spouse of his desire to join Texas Ranger in Real World.

“Dearest Nairy, thou hast never done well in Real World. If my Great Uncles’ cousin’s half sister’s spouse had not gotten you this job, we would have starved to death over these many years thou hast been in the King’s service.

Dearest Nairy, thou must live to fight another day.”

And so with fortitude supplied by his spouse, the Nairy did agree to the King’s wishes.

The King and the Duke did seek to proveth the Nairy’s resolve and did ask of him, “If Darth Garbage sayeth “Jump,” what will be thy response be?”

“How high, my Lord Vader of Trash!” spake the Nairy.

“And if the Lord Vader of Trash say crappeth?”

“I will say, What color and how much, Lord Garbage!”

And so, it came to pass, for thirty pieces of silver and his ticket to the Land of Comfort and Ease, the Nairy did selleth his ecological soul to Darth Garbage, the evil Lord Vader of Trash and did giveth his environmental spine to King Gustaf of Teflon.

Now, one might wonder how the Nairy could even walk without a backbone.

Verily, I say unto thee, if not for the strings held by Darth Garbage, the Nairy would surely have fallen into a crumpled mass.

But, in his soul of souls, the Nairy longed to recycle and to save the world from Heavenly Heating. He could only hope that one Sacred Day, Texas Ranger would returneth and would returneth with her, the Nairy’s spine.