Story by Uncle Lars Bob
The problem, according to Chisago County Attorney Janet Reiter, is simple. Chisago County does not have enough black people.
Nationwide, 1 in every 15 black males are in jail or prison. In a county of Polocks, Swedes and Germans, the County Attorney’s office was in a real pickle.
Reportedly, it was Assistant County Attorney Beth Beaman who arrived at the final solution.
Janet says, “Sure, we try to maintain county prestige by keeping up with nationwide quotas. We jailed a few “Spics,” Indians and Jews but them damned Jews had Lawyers, the Indians are governed by Tribal law and Mexicans are in just as short supply as Negroes in these here parts.
So Beth comes up with this great idea and we started to jail poor white trash to meet our quotas.”
Janet explains further, “Guilt or innocence is not the real issue. The objective is to get breeding age males out of the reproduction system. Of coarse, these white guys are not as prolific as Negro males. We have to jail two white guys for every Negro, but if we interrupt the breeding cycles of the poor, we can eliminate poverty in Chisago County.”
Janet continued “This has worked quite well to keep down black populations in those areas fortunate enough to have Negroes to jail.
The Sheriff’s Department wasted a lot of time and effort profiling blacks as they passed through the County, but them uppity, citified Negroes what can afford cars and gas hired Jewish lawyers, so we were screwed again.
We have this new jail to fill up, so we just lock up poor white trash. It would be a disgrace to allow this county to fall behind established incarceration rates!
Of coarse the new county jail will cost taxpayers over fifty million dollars. Paying these increased taxes will reclassify a lot of middle class whites to poor white trash status, giving us a much broader pool from which to choose our prisoners.”
When asked if jailing drug dealers should be a higher priority than prosecuting poor folks, Janet responded, “You whining, left wing, liberal, pansy asses are all the same. Prosecute the drugs dealers, prosecute the drug dealers. I get so sick and tired of hearing that, it makes me want to puke.
Drug dealers have even better Lawyers than them citified Negroes.
We would actually have to provide proof to convict a drug dealer. What do you think we are, CSI Las Vegas? Look, we can jail a hundred of these “white trash muthas” for the cost of trying just one drug dealer.
It just does not make good economic sense to go after the drug dealers.
Our Judges are just as determined to get this white trash off the streets as we are. Just put yourself in the Judge’s shoes for a minute. You earn about a million bucks a year with your salary from the state and the stock tips you get from the lawyers employed by the drug dealers.
You’re driving your Mercedes to your ten million dollar lake home after a hard day of jailing this white scum and you have to drive past all those rusted out old Pontiacs and Fords, poor people cashing in their food stamps at the same grocery store where you shop.
Hell, you’d jail the bassards yourself, just so you wouldn’t have to wait behind them in the checkout line while they buy their lottery tickets. Like these morons would ever get rich?”
One can only ask this question, “What would we do without Beth and Janet?”
Publishers Note: It has been a long-standing practice to poke fun at our cultural icons, symbols, public figures and celebrities. A parody exists when one imitates a serious piece of work, such as literature, music or artwork, for a humorous or satirical effect. Parody, as a method of criticism, has been a very popular means for authors, entertainers and advertisers to communicate a particular message or point of view to the public.
The story above is not true. It is a parody of a news story. It is not a real news story, which should be obvious from the content. When a story, as the one above is so obviously untrue when read by intelligent people, no disclaimer is required.
Nationwide, 1 in every 15 black males are in jail or prison. In a county of Polocks, Swedes and Germans, the County Attorney’s office was in a real pickle.
Reportedly, it was Assistant County Attorney Beth Beaman who arrived at the final solution.
Janet says, “Sure, we try to maintain county prestige by keeping up with nationwide quotas. We jailed a few “Spics,” Indians and Jews but them damned Jews had Lawyers, the Indians are governed by Tribal law and Mexicans are in just as short supply as Negroes in these here parts.
So Beth comes up with this great idea and we started to jail poor white trash to meet our quotas.”
Janet explains further, “Guilt or innocence is not the real issue. The objective is to get breeding age males out of the reproduction system. Of coarse, these white guys are not as prolific as Negro males. We have to jail two white guys for every Negro, but if we interrupt the breeding cycles of the poor, we can eliminate poverty in Chisago County.”
Janet continued “This has worked quite well to keep down black populations in those areas fortunate enough to have Negroes to jail.
The Sheriff’s Department wasted a lot of time and effort profiling blacks as they passed through the County, but them uppity, citified Negroes what can afford cars and gas hired Jewish lawyers, so we were screwed again.
We have this new jail to fill up, so we just lock up poor white trash. It would be a disgrace to allow this county to fall behind established incarceration rates!
Of coarse the new county jail will cost taxpayers over fifty million dollars. Paying these increased taxes will reclassify a lot of middle class whites to poor white trash status, giving us a much broader pool from which to choose our prisoners.”
When asked if jailing drug dealers should be a higher priority than prosecuting poor folks, Janet responded, “You whining, left wing, liberal, pansy asses are all the same. Prosecute the drugs dealers, prosecute the drug dealers. I get so sick and tired of hearing that, it makes me want to puke.
Drug dealers have even better Lawyers than them citified Negroes.
We would actually have to provide proof to convict a drug dealer. What do you think we are, CSI Las Vegas? Look, we can jail a hundred of these “white trash muthas” for the cost of trying just one drug dealer.
It just does not make good economic sense to go after the drug dealers.
Our Judges are just as determined to get this white trash off the streets as we are. Just put yourself in the Judge’s shoes for a minute. You earn about a million bucks a year with your salary from the state and the stock tips you get from the lawyers employed by the drug dealers.
You’re driving your Mercedes to your ten million dollar lake home after a hard day of jailing this white scum and you have to drive past all those rusted out old Pontiacs and Fords, poor people cashing in their food stamps at the same grocery store where you shop.
Hell, you’d jail the bassards yourself, just so you wouldn’t have to wait behind them in the checkout line while they buy their lottery tickets. Like these morons would ever get rich?”
One can only ask this question, “What would we do without Beth and Janet?”
Publishers Note: It has been a long-standing practice to poke fun at our cultural icons, symbols, public figures and celebrities. A parody exists when one imitates a serious piece of work, such as literature, music or artwork, for a humorous or satirical effect. Parody, as a method of criticism, has been a very popular means for authors, entertainers and advertisers to communicate a particular message or point of view to the public.
The story above is not true. It is a parody of a news story. It is not a real news story, which should be obvious from the content. When a story, as the one above is so obviously untrue when read by intelligent people, no disclaimer is required.
