LS Power Plant is a Good Deal for Lent Township, Chisago County

LS Power Plant is a Good Deal for Lent Township, Chisago County
Project Deserves Public Support
Opinion and Political Commentary by Jonathan P. Glassel

Who speaks for the uninformed?

As citizens of this country, it has always been assumed each and every one of us is responsible to learn the facts and develop a competent opinion regarding important issues affecting our friends and neighbors in the community.

In a recent, albeit unscientific poll, the Epitaph randomly phoned 10 residents of Chisago County. None of whom had ever heard of the project. While expressing no opposition to the LS Power, no one expressed a burning desire to learn more.

As Americans, we demand a lot from our government, our elected leaders and industry to be sure hot water is available for our morning shave and that we have a utility grid capable of supplying energy to ward off frostbite on a frigid Minnesota winter night.

The main purpose of LS Power’s proposed Lent power generating station is to provide electricity for peak demand periods, your early morning shave and keeping your butt unfroze in extremely cold weather.

This peak demand system developed by LS Power is ecologically friendly when compared to the burning of coal to achieve similiar results. Quite simply, coal fired plants cannot easily be turned on and off, as is feasible with a plant fired with fuel oil or natural gas.

Rick Olseen and Jeremy Kalin know this. They also know this plant will be built somewhere. It will be built in someone’s back yard, so why not reap the economic benefits for Chisago County.

Olseen and Kalin are to be applauded for their efforts to “bring home the bacon” to Chisago County. We count on these guys to get informed when we do not have the time or the desire to learn of such things.

The ball is now, or soon will be in Commissioners Court.

Commissioners Montzka, Greene, McMahon and Walker need to do the right thing, finish what Olseen and Kalin have started and fulfill their campaign promises of jobs and prosperity by “bringing the bacon” across the finish line for we, the uninformed.

I am adding a poll to in an attempt to gauge public sediment on this matter. Please vote only once. Thanks, Jon

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County Engineer’s Close Association to Robinson Could Cost His Job

Commissioner Robinson Moot Point for District Five
County Engineer’s Close Association to

Robinson Could Cost His Job
Opinion and Political Commentary by Jonathan P. Glassel

In a special session scheduled for May 1, the new board will determine the fate of County Engineer Bill Malin. In a somewhat odd procedure, the County Board may appoint the current County Engineer to another four year term or may appoint a temporary replacement for a period of one year.

Malin's close association with Commissioner Robinson and former Commissioners Schultz and Gustafson does not sit well with a majority of the new board, fed up with the rampant cronyism exerted by the former board.

Malin presided over the rape of District Three Taxpayers, paving "cowpaths" in Rush City for Commissioner Mike Robinson at the expense of more traveled roads in South County. Malin's salary escalated to $109,000 annually under this "Good Old Boy" arraignment, costing taxpayers well over a half million dollars per term with perks and benefits.

Mike Robinson has no friends on the Board, having alienated everyone with his tantrums and outlandish behavior. Having Robinson in your corner is not a “plus” these days as Bill Malin may find out, shortly.

Robinson argues that Malin saves the County money with his contacts and ability to get “good deals,” as with last summer’s super asphalt buy for District 5 which cost taxpayers over $200,000.

You can expect innovation from this board. Walker, McMahon, Greene and Montzka are not opposed to wielding the budget ax. (Ask Sheriff Rivard) Look for a shakeup at the County Engineer's Office as the new Board reinvents Government.

McMahon's Motion Kills Jail

Chisago County Board Moves to Dismantle Sheriff Rivard’s “Police State”
McMahon’s Motion Kills Proposed Jail
Opinion and Political Commentary by Jonathan P. Glassel

Fulfilling a campaign promise, Commissioner Walker moved for a referendum to let the voters decide the Jail Issue in 2010. As there never was any public support for the Sheriff’s plan, the Board voted down the referendum and chose to kill the project outright without further debate.

Chairman Montzka summoned Sheriff Rivard to appear before the Commission.

In a face to face confrontation, Commissioner Montzka instructed the Sheriff as to the meaning of “no.” Paraphrasing Mr. Montzka’s comments, “No can be a sentence, no can be a word, but we are trying to be as concise as we possibly can, there will be no new jail. There will be no more money spent by your department planning for a new jail.”

Perhaps perplexed by the dumb look on Sheriff Todd Rivard’s face, Montzka reiterated, “No” again, as if to ask of Rivard, “Is there any part of “no” that you don’t understand?”

Commissioner McMahon spoke of the movement for Judicial Reform at the State Legislature, which seeks to eliminate jail time from some sentencing requirements, but was very clear when addressing Rivard.

There will be no new jail. There will be no planning for a new jail, until at which time the Board and County Administration can determine when and if funds are available.

By their actions, the Board indicated the need to seek alternatives to incarceration for non violent offenders. Costly jail space must be reserved for the violent among us, those who would harm our children and have succumbed to violence as a way of life. We cannot continue to warehouse our children, our most precious resource with criminals at the County Jail. Doing so merely creates return customers, placing undue burden on the taxpayer. We must shift our focus to prevention, run the drug dealers out of the county, while keeping drunk drivers off the road.

In very clear and concise terms, the new Board left no doubt as to who was running Chisago County. And it is no longer Sheriff Todd Rivard. It was a rare win for Chisago County taxpayers who have borne the financial burden of building Sheriff Todd Rivard’s continually expanding Police State.

Rivard was never much of a cop, but has excelled at good old boy politics, extracting millions of dollars from the taxpayers by any means available. It is believed that “J. Edgar” Rivard maintains secret dossiers on friends and enemies alike to assure a steady influx of cash into his department from those in control of the County Coffers.

However, the new board consisting of Lora Walker, George McMahon, Rick Greene and Ben Montzka are above reproach. With no “dirt” available to “persuade” the new board, a dejected Rivard left the meeting, whimpering into the night like a dog with his tail tucked between his legs.

Rivard is not accustomed to losing. Next up on Rivard’s agenda is the 2010 “Software Crisis.” Rivard is demanding the Board “shell out” upwards of 8.5 million dollars to upgrade the Sheriff’s Department Software. (Chisago City got their software for about 120K) As Rivard is up for reelection in 2010, look for this board to separate the Sheriff from his campaign contributors.

This board, with the notable exception of Rush City Commissioner Mike Robinson, has shown they will take on Rivard and do what is right for the Citizens of Chisago County. Such courage and impeccable character by a majority of Board members has been too long absent from County Government.

Thank You, Commissioners McMahon, Montzka, Greene and Walker for your integrity, courage, grit and determination. Though the road ahead be long and arduous, your moral compass will guide us to better times and a better life for the people of Chisago County.

Justice by the Numbers

Justice by the Numbers
Rivard, Reiter, Judges Run Up the Score
Against the Young and Poor
Opinion and Political Commentary By Jonathan P. Glassel

In the satirical “Ballad of Irving,” Irving is the 142nd Fastest Gun in the West. “Though 141 were faster than he, Irving was looking for 143.” Exemplifying Irving’s “courage” it would seem our “illustrious” law enforcement duo of Chisago County Sheriff Todd Rivard and County Attorney Janet Reiter take the path of least resistance, prosecuting the weakest of wrongdoers in an effort to convince, you the taxpayer, that jails are being filled with dangerous criminals.

Yet, the Chisago County Attorney’s Office has not sent a felony drug dealer “up the river” in memorable history. However, felony charges were recently dismissed against a known drug dealer in the “interest of justice,” presumably for ratting on his customers, those he has infected with the hideous disease of drug addiction.

We live in a jail happy society. We focus on punishment as a some sort of perverted means of prevention. In reality, we punish only ourselves and our kids. One in one hundred American males and one in fifteen black men are in jail or prison at a staggering cost to taxpayers.

To assure their own reelection, Sheriffs, Prosecuting Attorneys and Judges justify their own existence by filling jails and prisons with less than evil, non violent people, at your expense.
Chisago County Attorney Janet Reiter specializes in jailing underage drinkers for “Minor Consumption” of alcohol and other petty “crimes.”In this day and age, a rich kid is one whose parents are still involved in their life after the age of 18. Rich kids don’t go to jail, but poor kids do, with alarming regularity.

Jamie (not her real name) is a pretty, petite and intelligent young lady. Someone you would be proud to have as a granddaughter. She is ninety five pounds (soaking wet) of pure “public menace,” recently sentenced to ten days in the Chisago County Jail by Judge Swenson for underage consumption of alcohol.

Rita (not her real name) is tall, slender and could have been a fashion model in another life. Rita ran afoul of the local authorities and moved to California, got a job and began to get her young life in order, only to be extradited back to Chisago County by County Attorney Janet Reiter, where she spent the next forty two days in our jail, at your expense.

Jamie’s boyfriend, Todd (not his real name), keenly aware that Judge Swenson lost a son to a drunken driver, has decided to waive his right to a public defender, take the prosecutor’s deal and spend the next thirty days in Stillwater Jail at the expense of Chisago County taxpayers.

By entering a guilty plea, Todd has been allowed to choose Stillwater jail. His friends tell him the food and other conditions are much better there.
Butch (not his real name) has been in jail for nearly fifty days. Butch was at his own “going away” party before joining the Marines. Another young man started a fight. Butch lost control and beat the snot out of this kid.

Butch’s Public Defender and the Prosecuting Attorney want to get him out of jail and into the military. The County Attorney is willing to drop the charges, but Judge Swenson refuses and the young man is led out of the courtroom in handcuffs and chains.

Ages 18 to 21 are trying times for young adults. Old enough to vote, but too young to drink. Responsible for their own actions but often unable to comprehend the ramifications of those actions. Seeking equality and fairness, but jailed for drinking alcohol while drug dealers operate in full view of authorities.

As Jamie and Todd nervously await their fate, a lawyer in an $1,800 designer suit and $500 shoes enters the court room. A short time later, a 55 year old man, 6’ 5” tall, weighing some 350 pounds, handcuffed and dressed in orange prison fatigues is escorted into the courtroom by Sheriff’s Deputies to be arraigned on felony possession of narcotics.
The prisoner is cool, collected and unconcerned. He is not a user. He has been here before. He is a drug dealer.

Judge Swenson does not recognize the well dressed lawyer, but immediately recognizes the name of the firm the lawyer represents.

Judge Swenson’s sour demeanor changes abruptly. The Court reporter stops typing as Judge Swenson and the drug dealer’s lawyer embark upon a witty and chatty conversation lasting 3 to 4 minutes. The pleasantries over, the arraignment continues.

The confiscated dope will be sent to BCA (Bureau of Criminal Apprehension) to be analyzed and weighed to determine, if, in fact, it is dope at all and if the quantity in possession results in felony or misdemeanor charges filed against the drug dealer.

Mere formalities as the deal has already been cut. County Attorney Reiter and her staff are completely out classed and ill suited to challenge the drug dealer’s $500 dollar per hour lawyer.
The drug dealer is too smart and self assured to have been caught with a felony amount of dope. In a day or two, he will cop to a misdemeanor possession charge and walk.

Mercifully, Jamie and Todd are absorbed in their own thoughts and problems and do not grasp the significance of what has just happened.

Todd will go to jail, the drug dealer will walk, Judge Swenson will get his “stock tip,” Reiter’s Staff will “high five” and celebrate Todd’s conviction while you scrimp and save to pay for this nonsense with your taxes, unable to prevent your own kids from becoming hooked on drugs.

At the end of the Ballad, “Butterfingers Irving gunned himself down.” The Ballad of Todd Rivard and Janet Reiter will end in 2010 with your support of competent law enforcement candidates in the General Election.

Publisher’s Note: Judge Swenson, after years of jailing Chisago’s youth, passed to his final reward.

Luke 17.2 "It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea, than that he would cause one of these little ones to stumble.”

www.GoodTimesFleaMarket.com

America the Evil? Let's Jail Everyone!

Why We Must Fix Our Prisons
By Senator Jim Webb
Publication Date: 03/29/2009

America's criminal justice system has deteriorated to the point that it is a national disgrace. Its irregularities and inequities cut against the notion that we are a society founded on fundamental fairness. Our failure to address this problem has caused the nation's prisons to burst their seams with massive overcrowding, even as our neighborhoods have become more dangerous. We are wasting billions of dollars and diminishing millions of lives. We need to fix the system. Doing so will require a major nationwide recalculation of who goes to prison and for how long and of how we address the long-term consequences of incarceration. Twenty-five years ago, I went to Japan on assignment for PARADE to write a story on that country's prison system. In 1984, Japan had a population half the size of ours and was incarcerating 40,000 sentenced offenders, compared with 580,000 in the United States. As shocking as that disparity was, the difference between the countries now is even more astounding--and profoundly disturbing. Since then, Japan's prison population has not quite doubled to 71,000, while ours has quadrupled to 2.3 million. The United States has by far the world's highest incarceration rate. With 5% of the world's population, our country now houses nearly 25% of the world's reported prisoners. We currently incarcerate 756 inmates per 100,000 residents, a rate nearly five times the average worldwide of 158 for every 100,000. In addition, more than 5 million people who recently left jail remain under "correctional supervision," which includes parole, probation, and other community sanctions. All told, about one in every 31 adults in the United States is in prison, in jail, or on supervised release. This all comes at a very high price to taxpayers: Local, state, and federal spending on corrections adds up to about $68 billion a year.

How would you change the prison system? »

Our overcrowded, ill-managed prison systems are places of violence, physical abuse, and hate, making them breeding grounds that perpetuate and magnify the same types of behavior we purport to fear. Post-incarceration re-entry programs are haphazard or, in some places, nonexistent, making it more difficult for former offenders who wish to overcome the stigma of having done prison time and become full, contributing members of society. And, in the face of the movement toward mass incarceration, law-enforcement officials in many parts of the U.S. have been overwhelmed and unable to address a dangerous wave of organized, frequently violent gang activity, much of it run by leaders who are based in other countries. With so many of our citizens in prison compared with the rest of the world, there are only two possibilities: Either we are home to the most evil people on earth or we are doing something different--and vastly counterproductive. Obviously, the answer is the latter. Over the past two decades, we have been incarcerating more and more people for nonviolent crimes and for acts that are driven by mental illness or drug dependence. The U.S. Department of Justice estimates that 16% of the adult inmates in American prisons and jails--which means more than 350,000 of those locked up--suffer from mental illness, and the percentage in juvenile custody is even higher. Our correctional institutions are also heavily populated by the "criminally ill," including inmates who suffer from HIV/AIDS, tuberculosis, and hepatitis.
Why We Must Fix Our Prisons
By Senator Jim Webb
Publication Date: 03/29/2009

Sen. Webb introduces new legislation: 'It's time to change the law' »

Drug offenders, most of them passive users or minor dealers, are swamping our prisons. According to data supplied to Congress' Joint Economic Committee, those imprisoned for drug offenses rose from 10% of the inmate population to approximately 33% between 1984 and 2002. Experts estimate that this increase accounts for about half of the dramatic escalation in the total number imprisoned over that period. Yet locking up more of these offenders has done nothing to break up the power of the multibillion-dollar illegal drug trade. Nor has it brought about a reduction in the amounts of the more dangerous drugs--such as cocaine, heroin, and methamphetamines--that are reaching our citizens. Justice statistics also show that 47.5% of all the drug arrests in our country in 2007 were for marijuana offenses. Additionally, nearly 60% of the people in state prisons serving time for a drug offense had no history of violence or of any significant selling activity. Indeed, four out of five drug arrests were for possession of illegal substances, while only one out of five was for sales. Three-quarters of the drug offenders in our state prisons were there for nonviolent or purely drug offenses. And although experts have found little statistical difference among racial groups regarding actual drug use, African-Americans--who make up about 12% of the total U.S. population--accounted for 37% of those arrested on drug charges, 59% of those convicted, and 74% of all drug offenders sentenced to prison. Against this backdrop of chaos and mismanagement, a dangerous form of organized and sometimes deadly gang activity has infiltrated America's towns and cities. It comes largely from our country's southern border, and much of the criminal activity centers around the movement of illegal drugs. The weapons and tactics involved are of the highest order. The Mexican drug cartels, whose combined profits are estimated at $25 billion a year, are known to employ many elite former soldiers who were trained in some of America's most sophisticated military programs. Their brutal tactics took the lives of more than 6000 Mexicans last year alone, and the bloodshed has been spilling over the border into our own neighborhoods at a rapid pace. One terrible result is that Phoenix, Ariz., has become the kidnapping capital of the United States, with more than 370 cases in 2008. That is more incidents than in any other city in the world outside of Mexico City.

How would you change the prison system? »

The challenge to our communities is not limited to the states that border Mexico. Mexican cartels are now reported to be running operations in some 230 American cities. Other gang activity--much of it directed from Latin America, Asia, and Europe--has permeated our country to the point that no area is immune. As one example, several thousand members of the Central American gang MS-13 now operate in northern Virginia, only a stone's throw from our nation's capital.

[ Who are the world's most wanted criminals? See the list »]

In short, we are not protecting our citizens from the increasing danger of criminals who perpetrate violence and intimidation as a way of life, and we are locking up too many people who do not belong in jail. It is incumbent on our national leadership to find a way to fix our prison system. I believe that American ingenuity can discover better ways to deal with the problems of drugs and nonviolent criminal behavior while still minimizing violent crime and large-scale gang activity. And we all deserve to live in a country made better by such changes. Senator Jim Webb (D. Va.) is a PARADE Contributing Editor and the author of nine books, including "A Time to Fight."

Commissioner Robinson Remains Silent

Chisago County Commissioner Mike Robinson Refuses Comment on Stalking Incident

The Epitaph posed the following questions to Chisago County Commissioner Micheal Dean Robinson of Rush City, Minnesota:

Dear Sir:

A report received from the Forest Lake Police Department indicates that you harassed and made terrorist threats against Lora Walker and her family. The Police report dated November 20, 2007 indicates the incident occurred at Cub Foods in Forest Lake.

You have made similar terrorist threats to Commissioner Montzka, Mark Oberg, Bob Carter and myself.

Sheriff Rivard was part and parcel to your harassment of myself at the Commissioner Candidate's Forum at the Swedish Village Inn in August of 2008.

I am curious, sir as to how you could have known Ms. Walker would be shopping at Cub Foods at that exact moment in time?

Would surveillance video indicate that you were shopping for a turkey?

Did you wait days on end, lurking about Cub Foods waiting for Ms. Walker? or did Chisago County Sheriff Todd Rivard determine Ms. Walker's itinerary by listening in on her cell phone conversations and relay that information to you?

Was the purpose of your harassment to dissuade Ms. Walker from seeking election to Lynn Schultz's seat on the County Board?

It is my personal opinion that Sheriff Rivard is "covering up" a drunk driving infraction for you, based on your refusal to answer previous questions that I have submitted and further based on Rivard's unconvincing denial when I posed the same question to him.

Certainly, I would like to hear your side of the story.

Sincerely, Jonathan P. Glassel South County Epitaph

Reducing Government Abuse of Power

How to Reduce Government Abuse of Power
East Bay Business Times - by Steve Strayer
Copied from the Web and Reprinted Without Permission

The abuse of power at all levels government in America is widespread and expanding rapidly. The self-correcting features built into our constitutions (separation of powers, checks and balances, etc.) have long ago been circumvented or ignored.

Many government officials now frivolously disregard any legal limitations on their power, since as long as anybody remembers they have been able to do so with impunity.

The courts are supposed to enforce constitutions, but judges and justices are employed by the same entities as legislators and other officials, and thus are driven by similar incentives and generally have similar mindsets.

There currently is no process capable of peacefully reining in government abuse.

The only way the trend toward expanding tyranny can be reversed and our lost liberties restored is through the restoration of accountability in government. To accomplish this goal, we must replace the current incentive structure with one that rewards performance by government employees consistent with peaceful private interests.

Since politicians and officials have become adept at thwarting any efforts at reform via established channels, any effective action will have to be achieved through direct action by private citizens.

How do we accomplish this? By making the individuals who legislate, implement and decide the legality of laws, regulations and government activities individually accountable to the Constitution, and ultimately to citizens, for their actions.

An effective process would be for citizen oversight committees to examine the activities of government agencies for violations of constitutional limitations or other rules.

A committee would notify agency management of any concerns about the legality of contemplated actions, and the agency would then either modify the proposed action to comply with the rules or drop it entirely.

In cases of blatant violation of rules or abuse of authority, citizen committees would have the responsibility to terminate employment of the individuals responsible. The committees would also have the charter to evaluate agencies' overall value to the people and to call for reductions in scope or funding as deemed appropriate.

Any action taken by a citizens' committee would be subject to override only through a popular vote and would thus be immune to reversal through legislation, judicial action or any other governmental process.

This grassroots approach to government reform would offer several side benefits. There would be some ripple effects into areas other than those addressed directly. Once government employees and managers observed the changes in emphasis within their agencies, some would come forward to point out problems and cooperate in implementing other improvements.

Once a few corrupt officials were terminated from their jobs, others would either spontaneously shape up or resign voluntarily. Many government employees would find it gratifying to alter their performance from empire building to the promotion of efficient operations.

Citizens' committees would be composed entirely of private citizens nominated and elected by private citizens. Government employees would not be eligible to serve.

Safeguards would be put into place to prevent committee members themselves from promoting an increase of their own personal power. Perhaps limiting a member's service on a committee to a single brief term might be adequate.

The approach outlined here could be implemented first in California or another state through the initiative process. The alternative to limiting government abuse through this or some other orderly process is the continued growth of government until eventually we or our descendents suffer a painful collapse similar to that experienced in many other countries throughout history.

Steve Strayer is a systems engineer from Fremont. He wrote this for Libertarian Perspective. Reach him through media@ca.lp.org.

Judge's Death Ends Chisago County Jail Crisis

Judge’s Death Ends Jail Crisis
Swenson’s Final Recusal a Big Break for Chisago County Taxpayers
Opinion and Political Commentary by Jonathan P. Glassel

In Cell Block B of the Chisago County Jail, no tears were shed upon hearing the news of the passing of Judge Swenson. Swenson will now be judged in a “Higher Court.”

No doubt Swenson will be eulogized by his elitists friends and “Good Old Boy” Cronies as a great jurist. Those who have visited his Courtroom know better. Judge Swenson was clearly not the brightest bulb on the “Judicial Tree.” What he lacked in intelligence, however was offset by his vindictiveness.

Swenson was a bitter man who waged unrelenting war against, and filled Chisago County Sheriff Todd Rivard’s jail with, underage drinkers. You see, Swenson’s son was killed by an underage drunk driver.

Many years have passed since a “sitting” Judge in Washington County killed a young girl while driving in a drunken stupor. That Judge was so drunk; the little girl was barely recognizable after being dragged for nearly a mile, to her death.

Yet Judge Swenson never waged a “Holy War” against drunken Judges. And if a drunken County Commissioner had killed his son, would Swenson have extracted personal vengeance from other “Good Old Boy” Politicians?

Not likely. You see, Swenson’s path was that of least resistance, preying on the young, the weak, the sick and the poor. Though Swenson was in a position to help these people, he chose to victimize them, choosing instead to offset the pain in his own heart from the deep personal tragedy he had suffered from the loss of his son.

And he did it with tax dollars! Vengeance on a stick, made possible by the blood, sweat and tears of local taxpayers. The trappings of power gone mad, as it were.

Had he been a prudent Jurist, Chisago County Judge Douglass Swenson would have recused himself from each and every case involving alcohol, but that was not Swenson’s way. Judges have no Judges and sit well above the law. It was not that many years ago that Swenson would return to Court after a long lunch, chewing gum like a crazy person, presumably to mask his own problems with alcohol.

Even with the knowledge that impartiality was an impossibility for Swenson, none of his colleagues attempted to reign him in.

Swenson’s decisions have harmed many of Chisago County’s most vulnerable, its youth, opening a door to drug addiction first introduced to them in Swenson’s Prisons.

But the prisons of Swenson’s mind were, perhaps most damaging to the taxpayers of Chisago County, who pay for Chisago County Todd Rivard’s “return customers” first indoctrinated into “the system” by Chisago County Judge Douglas Swenson.

Swenson had a great opportunity to be a “Champion” of the less fortunate, yet he chose to exploit the very people he should have been defending.

Judge Swenson chose poorly.

History remembers only the “Great Reformers.” Many follow a new religion, because of the Protestant Reformation of Martin Luther, Abraham Lincoln adorns the five dollar bill and Martin Luther King’s reformation defined a nation struggling with racism and bigotry.

However, the world will little note, nor long remember Judge Swenson.

In summation, there was little wit about Judge Swenson. Therefore, one can only surmise his conspiracy with Chisago County Sheriff and Chisago County Attorney Janet Reiter to fill the the Chisago County jails with less than violent offenders, was an unwitting one.

Take away Swenson’s avid incarceration of our children and Chisago County has no “Jail Crisis.” No need to build a $40,000,000 boondoggle paid for by the hard work and sweat of local taxpayers.

As Judgeships are not handed out in boxes of Cheerios, we can only surmise Swenson bought his. Not with cash, but with a host of “Good Old Boy” favors to his cronies, as is required of the current selection process.

It has long been the habit of Judges to resign shortly before the end of their final term. A tribute, as it were, to the very system that allowed them to “purchase” their Judgeship from the Governor in the first place. An extension of “Good Old Boy” Politics at its worst.

Once appointed, it is nearly impossible to replace even the most incompetent of Jurists in the General Election. Most of these “Lawyers in a Robe” run unopposed as did Swenson, depriving the Electorate of Jurists even remotely concerned with taxpayer dollars.

We, the Electorate cannot tolerate any more “Good Old Boy” Politicians disguising themselves as “Learned in the Law.”

The Judicial Code of Chisago County is Justice by the Numbers. Judges Robert Rancourt and John H. McBride, Chisago County Attorney Janet Reiter and Chisago County Sheriff Todd Rivard dispense justice by the numbers, i.e., full jails equal public safety and thereby assure their re-election.

It should be noted for the record that Chisago County has not sent a felony drug dealer up the river in memorable history, preferring instead to fill our jails with Jaywalkers and minor offenders.

Washington County has many prudent and competent Judges. We can too, if we simply take the time to lobby our elected officials from the Chisago County Board, to the Legislature and directly to Governor Pawlenty.

Good Times Flea Market-Hugo

Obama Deregulates Flea Market!
President Urges Americans to Redistribute the Wealth
Story by Uncle Lars Bob

It has long been the position of Government that “if it moves, tax it, if it still moves, regulate it, if it stops moving, subsidize it.

However, in a startling announcement made before a rare joint session of Congress, President Obama’s plan to deregulate the Flea Market was met with a standing ovation from both sides of the isle.

Unprecedented bipartisan support for the President’s plan is expected.

President Obama spoke, “We must rebuild America’s economy from the ground up. We must encourage the creation of small business enterprises throughout this great country.

We can create jobs by encouraging people to redistribute the wealth that has long languished on shelves in their garages and basements.

The people of this country must be allowed to buy, sell and trade their fleas seven days a week, 365 days a year, well except on Christmas and Fishing Opener, of coarse.”

In ancient times, fleas were transported to market by camels traversing the great Sahara desert to markets near the Mediterranean Sea.

From ports in North Africa, fleas were openly traded throughout known world.

In recent years, due to the Global economy, most fleas entering the United States have been imported from China, though fleas from all countries may be found if one looks hard enough.

The Flea Market fell on hard times during the economic boom of recent decades as it was cheaper to import new fleas from China than to resell pre-owned fleas. As such, many perfectly good fleas met their demise at the landfill.

However, a great many wise investors stored their fleas in attics, basements and garages knowing someone would be able to use those perfectly good fleas, someday.

Though rarely discussed in “polite” circles many leading scientists fear that fleas may be inbreeding.
We all know how that stuff in the corner seems to multiply over time.

This may be attributed to the shortage of “round to its” created by the misguided economic policies of past administrations.

Also at play is Einstein’s lesser known, but most accurate equation, “E=T Squared” which proves time travels exponentially faster as one ages.

The older we get, the faster time flies.

We can remember with great clarity, the events of our childhood, when time traveled slowly. Now that we are older, we cannot remember what we did yesterday as time leaps forward at breakneck speeds.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, Surgeon General Dr. Sanjay Gupta is quietly urging people to take advantage of the down times, finish those projects while “round to its” are in ample supply, get your fleas to the nearest outdoor flea market, rent a booth, get some fresh air, make some money, enjoy the company of other flea marketers, redistribute your wealth and trade those fleas before they can inbreed!

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, this is not a real news story. Its intent is informative humor. Our apologies if we failed to give you a small chuckle. We sincerely hope a visit to our Flea Market will make you smile.


We fix all brands, Sears Craftsman, Montgomery Wards, Ariens, Bolens, Allis Chalmers, Simplicity, Snow Flite, MTD, Murray, Gilson, Spirit, Noma, Toro, Honda, Snapper, Wheel Horse, Briggs and Stratton, Tecumseh, Troy Built, Cub Cadet, John Deere, Jacobson, Homelite, Ford and many others.

Used Parts, Used Snow Blowers for Sale
Call Jonathan P. Glassel at 612-408-0158 or email jglassel@yahoo.com

Key name cities: Shafer, Center City, Lindstrom, Chisago City, Wyoming, Forest Lake, North Branch, Stacy, Hugo, White Bear Lake, Stillwater, Somerset, Hudson, Twin Cities, Centerville, Lino Lakes, Mahtomedi, St. Paul, North Metro, Minneapolis, MN, Minnesota North St. Paul, Lake Elmo, Circle Pines, Dellwood, Oakdale, East Farmington, Osceola, Somerset, Hudson WI,

www.GoodTimesFleaMarket.com

Is Todd Rivard on the Right Side of the Bars?

Is Todd Rivard on the Right Side of the Bars?
Questionable Relationship with Commissioner Robinson, Missing Records, Damage Sheriff’s Credibility
Opinion and Political Commentary by Jonathan P. Glassel

Generally speaking, many folks refer to our elected officials as “the crooks in Washington” or the “crooks at the Legislature” right down to the “crooks on the Board or the Village Council.”

What is it about power that turns so many good people bad?

Certainly power corrupts, but imagine, if you will, that it is your job to sit in a room full of cabinets. These cabinets surround you. They are everywhere. You cannot turn a corner without being confronted by a cabinet filled with drawers and each of these drawers is filled with cold, hard cash.

Imagine yourself as a young soldier during the Iraqi Invasion and stepping into one of Saddam’s hidden stores of cash. Millions of US Dollars just sitting there and no one watching.

Could you withstand that temptation? Totally unsupervised in a room full of cash?

That is the life of a Public Official. Never ending, unsupervised temptation.

This knowledge was not lost to our forefathers. Yet Washington, Jefferson and Franklin understood the futility of watch dogging an army of government employees, all with the potential to be tempted.

Instead, our founding fathers freed the press, the media to be our country’s first line of defense against the temptation of Public Officials.

An independent press is the best friend of any honest politician. An open and forthcoming relationship with an investigative news organization reduces the risk of temptation.

Chisago County has not had an investigative news organization, until now.

The Epitaph has developed a solid and open working relationship with The Chisago County Board members, Ben Montzka, Rick Green, George McMahon and Lora Walker.

It can be naturally, assumed, therefore, that those public officials unwilling to work with an inquisitive media may be hiding something.

A conspiracy is defined as “a secret agreement between two or more people to perform an unlawful act. An agreement to perform together an illegal, wrongful, or subversive act. An agreement between two or more persons to commit a crime or accomplish a legal purpose through illegal action.”

Consequently, a Conspiracy Theory can easily be advanced by linking known facts with a common denominator. Should the common denominators seek to suppress and harass the investigative reporter, while refusing interviews, more credence is given to the Conspiracy Theory.

In July, 2006 Chisago County Commissioner Michael Dean Robinson, Date of Birth 11/17/54 inexplicably stopped driving his car to events to which he normally drives. This odd behavior lasted for a period of 2-3 weeks. Just as inexplicably, Robinson started driving again.

According to the Forest Lake Police, Chisago County Commissioner Mike Robinson accosted former (at that time) County Commissioner Lora Walker at Cub Foods in Forest Lake.

Forest Lake Police report dated November 20, 2007 indicates Commissioner Robinson threatened to physically harm Walker and her family. Bare in mind that Walker lives near Stacy and stopped at Cub to shop for Thanksgiving Dinner on her way home from work in Minneapolis.

Robinson lives in Rush City and was not likely looking to buy a turkey in Forest Lake.

According to sources close to the Walker Family, Robinson then followed Walker home, a distance of some 15 miles or so and parked at the end of her driveway for quite some time. Over the next several weeks Robinson was observed by neighbors stalking Walker’s residence. Chisago County 911 was called, Sheriff Rivard was summoned, to no avail. According to Chisago County Sheriff Todd Rivard, no records or transcripts of the Lora Walker 911 call exist, nor do any routine Sheriff’s Department records of the disturbance.

The above events lead to the following questions and subsequent speculation about Conspiracy Theories.

A usually reliable source indicates that Curt Flug, Lindstrom Council Member and former Chisago County District Three Commissioner Candidate, had a conversation with Robinson concerning Robinson’ apparent inability to drive.

Reportedly, Robinson told Flug, in effect, that he would rather not discuss the matter, but that he (Robinson) had quit drinking.

When asked about Robinson’s actions and a possible drunken driving infraction by Robinson, an admitted alcoholic, Chisago County Sheriff Todd Rivard replied after 30 seconds or so of hesitation, “No, no, I would have heard something.”

The Epitaph has asked Commissioner Robinson about the DUI question. Only to be met with threats of lawsuits and further harassment by the Sheriff’s Department.

Speculation has long centered around a potential cover up, therefore conspiracy by a Judge, an arresting officer, Sheriff Todd Rivard and County Commissioner Mike Robinson. It is possible, however, assuming a DUI infraction does exit, that Robinson and Rivard are the only co-conspirators.

It was assumed that only a Judge could prevent Robinson from driving. However, Rivard has been around Chisago County for a long time and probably remembers the old days when Cops were allowed to be judge, jury and executioner. A cop would often hold a kid’s license for a couple of weeks and hold the infraction over his head if the kid promised to be good.

Why would Rivard do this for Chisago County Commissioner Mike Robinson?

Rivard has long wanted a new jail. Having a Commissioner by the testicles couldn’t hurt, could it? Perhaps, Murphy’s Law applies to Law enforcement, as well. If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Robinson has many enemies. Enemies who noted that Robinson was not driving for 2-3 weeks in the summer of 2006 and subsequently raised the issue to the news media.

The Walker Harassment by Robinson is more troubling as it indicates an escalation of violence on Robinson’s part. A year and several months after the non-driving incident, Robinson knows he now has Rivard by the testicles and knows Rivard will cover up his illegal activities.

For unknown reasons, the stakes seem to be higher for Rivard as he pushes for a new jail. Lora Walker could logically be expected to run against Robinson’s crony, Chisago County Commissioner Lynn Schultz as Schultz’s margin of victory against Walker was a mere 132 votes in 2004.

Robinson’s harassment of Walker was, presumably, to dispense with Chisago County Commissioner Lynn Schultz’s 2008 election year competition.

One can then surmise the stakes become exponentially higher for Rivard as well. If elected, Walker would be the “swing vote” on the new jail. Rivard’s dismissal and subsequent cover up of the harassment incident has not likely endeared Rivard to Walker. A Walker victory in the 2008 election would kill Rivard’s new jail.

Robinson’s “Nazi like” tactics did not work as Walker regained her seat on the County Board by about 500 votes.

It is statistically improbable that Robinson, from Rush City and Walker from Stacy would randomly meet in a Cub Foods store in Forest Lake. So how would Robinson have known Walker would be there at a given time?

Is it possible that Rivard, now in the affair so deep, could monitor Walker’s cell phone conversation, learn of Walker’s stop at Cub and dispatch Robinson on his Satanic mission?

Monitoring cell phone conversations is not illegal. Using information gained from the intercepted call to intimidate an opponent is blatantly Un American and violates all that we stand for in this Country.

It is time for Rivard to meet the press. It is time for Chisago County Sheriff Todd Rivard to open his Police State to an independent special prosecutor for the sole purpose of uncovering the truth in these matters.

The women of Chisago County would like to know if Todd Rivard will offer protection to them from stalkers or if he only refuses to protect female political enemies.

Inside sources reveal, Rivard will provide a uniformed officer, ostensibly to protect members of the board from Commissioner Robinson at each County Board Meeting.

Perhaps, the real question is this: Have these officers sworn allegiance to uphold the law or have they sworn loyalty to Todd Rivard and Mike Robinson?

Sig Heil! Sheriff Rivard.

We would like Chisago County Sheriff Todd Rivard to provide the following information:

Names of all Officers patrolling the Chisago County Area upon dates upon which Commissioner Robinson could have been ticketed from June 1, 2006 until July 30, 2006 and make these officers availble to provide sworn statements to the Epitaph.

Names of all female employees working the “911” call center on November 20th and 21st of 2007 and making said employees available to provide sworn statements to the Epitaph.

Open and honest responses from the Sheriff’s Department could save Todd Rivard’s career.

We hope that those who work for Chisago County and have knowledge or information regarding these matters will come forward in the name of justice.

As Rivard may monitor my cell phone, it is best to contact me by email. jglassel@yahoo.com

Commissioner Ben Montzka Takes Charge

Montzka Takes Charge
Many Challenges, Opportunities Confront New Board
Opinion and Political Commentary by Jonathan P. Glassel

It has been a “Coon’s Age” since Ben Montzka last held the “Chair” of the County Board.

The Chairperson of the County Board is the single most powerful individual in County Politics. The County President, as it were, setting the agenda for discussion of Board Members.

Traditionally, the County Board Chair would rotate between sitting Board Members. This allowed each district equal agenda setting authority over a period of five years.

Lynn Schultz’s election in 2004 ended the status quo. From that point forward, Good Old Boy Politicians Mike Robinson, Bob Gustafson and Good Old Broad, Lynn Schultz have held the Chair, limiting Commissioner Montzka to a dissenting minority.

Former Commissioner Gustafson once swore a “Holy Oath” that Ben Montzka would never again hold the reigns of power in Chisago County. Ironically, it was Gustafson’s “Patsy,” Chairperson Schultz and her ill fated gamble to push crony Sheriff Rivard’s new Jail during an election year recession, that cost both of them their jobs.

“Commissioner Montzka, you have been too long absent from the Chair. Your service to the community as a dissenting voice of reason on a dysfunctional board, though little noted, is greatly appreciated by a grateful County. Welcome Back.”


Commissioner Greene Remains Vice Chair

Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely.

When Commissioner Greene spoke a dissenting opinion against the new jail, Rivard’s Jailhouse cronies, Commissioners Robinson, Gustafson and Schultz summarily cut off road and bridge funds to Rick’s district in an vain attempt to coerce support for the ill fated jail project.

No doubt, the “Axis of Incompetence” failed to recognize the size of Commissioner Greene’s testicles.

Rick’s wife, Randi threw her support behind Lora Walker and was instrumental in achieving Shultz’s ultimate defeat.

“Walk softly, speak softly and carry a big frickin’ stick.”

When it comes down to the “nut cutting,” Commissioner Rick Greene is a proven leader who will do what is right for his constituents and Chisago County.

If you work for Chisago County and you still get a paycheck, get in line and go thank Commissioner Greene.

When Sheriff Todd Rivard and his Jail House cronies sought to eliminate your job to pay for his Police State, Rick did the right thing, despite retaliation from the ruling troika.

“Commissioner Greene, your courage and candor on the Jail issue saved many rank and file County jobs. Jobs that serve the greater good of the vast majority of the residents of Chisago County, as opposed to those who profit from Todd Rivard’s Police State.”

Commissioner Mike Robinson is a Moot Point

As a founding member of the “Axis of Incompetence,” Robinson felt invincible, above the law. With the defeat of cronies Gustafson and Schultz, sole survivor Robinson has rendered himself impotent.

In his demented and delusional state, Mike sees himself as a knight in shining armor, coming to the defense of damsel in distress, Lynn Schultz.

In this regard, and to maintain the ruling coalition, Robinson set out to intimidate former Commissioner Walker, using terror as a weapon, in a blatant attempt to eliminate Commissioner Schultz’s most viable opposition in the 2008 election.

Robinson underestimated Walker’s grit, guts and determination.

Robinson has alienated (pissed off) Commissioners Montzka, Greene and Walker.

His only chance to regain any smidgen of power is to form an alliance with Commissioner McMahon, and George has way too much class to align himself with the likes of Robinson.

Look for Robinson to sit in the corner, playing with himself, for the next four years.

Commissioner McMahon Brings Professionalism to the Board

In stark contrast to defeated Commissioner Bob Gustafson, George McMahon is in it for the people of Chisago County, not his own personal self interest.

McMahon’s businesslike approach to County problems is refreshing, indeed.

Commissioner McMahon has inherited most of Gustafson’s Committee assignments, much to the chagrin of Robinson, as a Commissioner’s power base is often built through his committee assignments.

Gustafson’s manipulation of his Committee power base kept him in power for many years. A fact well know to Robinson.

Though Robinson never squawked about Gustafson’s preponderance of committee assignments, he is quick to point out that McMahon has too many.

However, McMahon’s primary goal is a non dysfunctional County Board, that will better serve the needs of the people of Chisago County.

In that regard, he has proposed a “retreat” of sorts, a team building exercise that will help Commissioners tackle the grave problems facing our county.

Commissioner McMahon understands that disagreement is not dysfunction. Disagreement is a big part of problem resolution. Debate is a requirement of good government.

Dysfunction happens after the disagreement. When retaliations are levied, when alliances are formed to punish the dissenters.

George McMahon knows and understands the making of good government. Look for a non dysfunctional board, if George has any say in the matter.

We are indeed fortunate that Commissioner McMahon chose to invest his time and treasure to become our Commissioner.

“Commissioner McMahon, Welcome”

Commissioner Walker Brings Courage,

Integrity and Honesty to the Board

Commissioner Walker has been sorely missed. Lora’s untimely defeat at the hands of Lynn Schultz in 2004 resulted in a board filled with dysfunction and darkness.

Commissioner Walker withstood “Nazi like” intimidation at the hands of Mike Robinson. A trauma so severe, Lora was hospitalized for nearly a week.

Mike Robinson is an intimidating man. His size, stature and mental defects would scare most of us shitless.

Robinson, presumably to dispense with crony Lynn Schultz election year competition, accosted Ms. Walker at Cub Foods in Forest Lake.

Forest Lake Police report dated November 20, 2007 indicates Commissioner Robinson threatened to physically harm Walker and her family.

Keeping in mind that Walker lives near Stacy and stopped at Cub to shop for Thanksgiving Dinner on her way home from work.

Robinson lives in Rush City and was not likely buying a turkey.

Robinson then followed Walker home, a distance of some 15 miles or so and parked at the end of her driveway for quite some time.

Sheriff Rivard was summoned, to no avail. You see, Todd Rivard needs your tax dollars and help from criminals like Mike Robinson to complete his Police State.

From personal experience, I can tell you how it feels to be scared shitless by Robinson and Rivard. They are an intimidating pair.

In my experience of August 18, 2008 at a forum of Commissioner Candidates, former Commissioner Schultz was a willing accomplice to the “Nazi tactics” used by Robinson and Rivard.

I suspect Schultz was a willing conspirator and participant in the Walker intimidation, as well.

Imagine, if you will sitting across the table from a madman. Imagine, if you will leaving the Chisago County Board Meeting, alone, after dark, being followed to your car by that very same madman. Imagine, if you will the tremendous intestinal fortitude of Chisago County Commissioner Lora Walker.

Hopefully, Robinson crony Chisago County Attorney Janet Reiter will allow other members of the Board to escort Lora to her car after each meeting without declaring a violation of the open meeting law.

Don't expect Sheriff Rivard to protect Walker from Robinson. He has failed to do so in the past. Hopefully, the citizenry will take the law into their own hands, attend these public meetings and escort Chisago County Commissioner Lora Walker to her car.

When goodness and light are removed, the resultant vacuum will draw only darkness and deceit.

“Commissioner Walker, Welcome back.”

The Sheriff of Toddingham

The Lone Recycler, The Lost Episodes

The Sheriff of Toddingham

Story by Uncle Lars Bob

The days were dark in South County. The writers strike had left the comics out of work. But just when South County thought it would never laugh again, a hero arose to recycle those old jokes and puns. Yes, with 10,000 comedians out of work, Uncle Lars Bob was trying to be funny.

Indeed, in the days of the Lone Recycler, all the King’s men were Master Baiters. The Sheriff of Toddingham and his goon, Occifer Ogre were Master Baiters as was the Duke of Rum.

In those days, South County hath many lakes. And those lakes hath many fishes. The peasants (taxpayers) of South County being duly concerned about fish overpopulation did construct tiny houses on the frozen lakes.

Upon drilling holes through the ice, the peasants lureth the over breeding little menaces to the ice hole by placing a frozen worm on the end of a hook.

The thought of handling this worm was distasteful, so many hireth the services of professional baiters. The baiters procedeth from ice house to ice house baiting hooks for the peasants (taxpayers).

On both days of summer, the baiters would go from boat to boat and Master Bait.

For many generations, the females of South County were not allowed to Master Bait. The thought of females touching that nasty worm was uncomfortable for many and for years the King forbade female Master Baiting.

In time attitudes changed and many asked the question, “If females can be doctors and lawyers, they should be allowed to Master Bait.”

The Patsy of Charles, after an apprenticeship of nearly twenty years became the first female Master Baiter in South County and the King did replaceth Texas Ranger with a Master Baiter, the Patsy of Charles.

But of all the Master Baiters in all the land, The Duke of Rum, was the most proficient.

Now, boys and girls, most people knoweth not that The Duke of Rum was raised by the Indigenous Peoples (Native Americans) of South County.

The Duke of Rum had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. The Duke of Rum went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name...

The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named.

It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."

Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name?

The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky...

The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name...

And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth.

Then the Chief speaketh to The Duke of Rum, "Why dost thou ask, Two Dogs Humping?"


In those days, in the Village of Strom did dwelleth Pudd, the village idiot. Pudd was long and lean and wore a pink dunce helmet which turneth blue when Pudd was wet or cold.

The Duke of Rum was a bully, perhaps stemming from his time with the Indians and The Duke of Rum did poundeth Pudd.

The Duke of Rum poundeth Pudd in the park. The Duke of Rum pounded Pudd by the lake. The Duke of Rum even took Pudd home and poundeth Pudd in his bathroom and poundeth Pudd in his bedroom.

Indeed, every time The Duke of Rum saw Pudd, Pudd would get pounded.

And the peasants (taxpayers) would ask The Duke of Rum, “Why dost thou pound Pudd day and night?”

And Duke of Rum would say, “One day I will take a spouse. I am practicing the marital arts of Kung Fu, Tae Kwon Doe and Ju Jitsui to prepare myself for marriage.”

And the King was very proud of The Duke of Rum and The Duke of Rum did Master Bait for the King.

And the King saw that The Duke of Rum was the best of his Master Baiters.

And it came to pass that in the third year of our hero’s exile in the Land of Favre, that a mighty battle did ensue and the Earl of George did defeat evil King Gustaf and Texas Ranger did smite the Patsy of Charles, but the Barrister of Integrity bade Texas Ranger to spare the silver bullet and Texas Ranger driveth not the stake into the heart of that vile wench.

And the peasants were sore afraid that the Patsy would arise from the dead to taxeth the piss out of them, once more.

“For the King is dead,” sayeth the Barrister of Integrity, “Let us build a great round table, where men and women of peace will come to tell tales of great glory in service to the people. No longer shall the Great Hall of Royal Buttock Kissing be for the King and his cronies, let all people know that freedom from butt kissing hath returned to South County.”

But the Duke of Rum conspired with the evil Sheriff of Toddingham that tyranny and evil would one day return to South County. And when all came to the Great Hall, The Duke of Rum vowed to pound Pudd in the corner until the Patsy returned.

And the Sheriff of Toddingham was sore depressed, for all the other Sheriffs in neighboring lands had new jails and the King had promised Toddingham his own jail. But the King and the Patsy were gone.

And the Sheriff longed for simpler days when he was just a patrol cop.

The Barrister Prodi of Jewel, was driving home over the St. Croix Bridge after spending a great day out on the lake fishing. Her catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. She was late getting home and was speeding. Wouldn’t you know, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned her to the side of the bridge.

The Barrister, Prodi of Jewel pulled over like a good citizen. The Sheriff of Toddingham walked up to the window and said, “You know how fast you were going, Lady, not recognizing the Barrister?”

Prodi thought for a second and said, “Uhh, 60?”

“67 mph, Lady! 67 mph in a 55 zone!” said the Sheriff.

“But if you already knew officer,” replied Prodi, “Why did you ask me?”

Fuming over Prodi’s answer, the Sheriff growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, “That’s speeding, and you’re getting a ticket and a fine!”

The cop took a good close look at Prodi, in her stained fishing attire and said, “You don’t even look like you have a job! Why, I’ve never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!”

Prodi answered, “I’ve got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!”

Toddingham leaned in the window, smelling Prodi’s fish catch, said, “What kind of a job would a bum like you have?”

“I’m a rectum stretcher!” she replied.

“What you say, Lady?” asked the Sheriff.

“I’m a rectum stretcher!”

The cop, scratching his head, asked, “What does a rectum stretcher do?”

Prodi explained, “People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it’s a full six feet across.”

Toddingham, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, “What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?”

The Barrister nonchalantly answered, “You give it a radar gun, a badge and stick it at the end of a bridge!”

The Fine Print

As you may have guessed, The Lone Recycler is a work of fiction. Any resemblence to persons alive or dead is purley co-incedental.