Lone Recycler--Episode Four

Episode Four

And it came to pass, King Gustaf of Teflon did awaketh the mighty GOG (Guppies of Gustaf) and on Sacred Day the GOG did smite Texas Ranger and did sendeth her packing unto Real World and did replaceth Texas Ranger with a Patsy, The Patsy of Charles as commanded by the King.

And The Nairy of Goreen was sore afraid.

But the King did make merry with Enis, the Duke of Rum and Darth Garbage, the Lord Vader of Trash and Darth’s henchmen, Fearless Leader, Keeper of the Peasant’s Landfill and Darth’s Evil Genius, Mad Scientist.

“For this is great day,” spake the King. “The Patsy of Charles will giveth the Peasant’s Landfill to thee, Darth Garbage and I will retireth to the Land of Comfort and Ease (Florida) at thy expense.

“Yes, yes it is a good day, indeed,” spake Fearless Leader. “For Nazis, Commies and Fascists across Big Pond composteth their organics and do recycleth their trash which reduceth methane. Now we will produceth more methane to reach the “Tipping Point” of Heavenly Heating.

Only then can we achieveth Darth’s Evil Plan for Global Domination Through Heavenly Heating (DEPFGDTHH).”

Darth’s Evil Genius, Mad Scientist did developeth plans for a machine that turneth all garbage, not just organics, into methane, a gas of greenhouse 23 times more powerful than carbon dioxide.

The Peasant’s Garbage wouldeth be sliced, diced and formed into Magic Hockey Pucks (MHP’s). The Hockey Pucks couldeth then be heated to a kazillion degrees and molecules would fairly pop as though one did poppeth popcorn and would turneth all garbage into methane far more quickly than burying the garbage in the ground, as was the custom in those days.

For, in those days, methane from landfills was the greatest source of greenhouse gases which did causeth Heavenly Heating.

Though the King careth not, he did asketh The Lord Vader of Trash (just to make conversation), “How wilt thy plan of Global Domination through Heavenly Heating work?”

“It be quite simple, Gustaf. We sendeth our methane into the sky, the methane trappeth heat from the sun, Heaven heats up and the Ice Caps melteth. Sea levels riseth by several hundred feet and createth a new coastline where my lackeys do purchaseth land.

Indeed, I will own all the land along the new coastlines of Heaven and I will become a Real Estate Typhoon greater than the Donald of Trump.”

Whereupon, Mad Scientist did showeth the King a map of Heaven’s new land mass and the King did speaketh, “But the Land of Comfort and Ease (Florida) is no more, for thou hast flooded it.”

“Pray thy retirement be soon and short,” did speak Mad Scientist.

“A toast to the King”, speaketh Enis, the Duke of Rum, “May thy retirement be soon and short.”

“May thy retirement be soon and short,” spake Darth Garbage, The Lord Vader of Trash as he toasteth the King.

“May thy retirement be soon and short,” echoed Fearless Leader, the Keeper of the Peasant’s Landfill.

And a tear did falleth from the King’s eye and the King did speak, “It is not easy being thine King. Thy kindness and generosity maketh it all worthwhile. Thou art truly good and faithful servants.”

And Darth did speaketh, “In your honor, Gustaf, henceforth the Peasant’s Landfill will be known as King’s Landfill and Pucks (KLAP). Henceforth, Fearless Leader shall be known as the Head of KLAP.”

And KLAP Head was greatly moved and did vow undying loyalty to Darth and his Evil Plan for Global Domination.

Lone Recycler--Episode Three

Episode Three

And it came to pass, that the Recycler of Naive arrived in South County when the Nairy of Goreen was protected by Texas Ranger.

In those days, the Nairy was a mighty recycler and did cause much consternation and great worry to Darth Garbage, the evil Lord Vader of Trash.

The Recycler did tell the Nairy of his plan to save the world. The Nairy was much impressed and spake, “Thou wilt surely run Darth out of business or force him to recycle. Surely thou wilt deal a deadly blow to waste in South County. Thou wilt force the Lord Vader of Trash to recycle in order to compete with you.”

The Nairy, not yet knowing of the King’s Plan to give the peasant’s landfill to the Lord Vader of Trash, but suspicious of Darth and the King, bade the recycler to visit the King’s Boondoggle and Misadventures in the Garbage Business, the peasants (taxpayers) landfill far away where Darth did take the people’s trash where it be out of sight, out of mind and in someone else’s backyard, which was the custom in those days.

The Recycler felt a certain sadness as he toured the King’s Boondoggle. The ka-zillion shekels wasted there did cry out to the Recycler, for all things in Heaven desire to be useful and the King’s Misadventure was of no use to anyone.

The Keeper of the Peasant’s Landfill spake to the Recycler, “Nay, nay, nay. The people of this land will not recycle. Only those Nazis, Commies and Fascists across Big Pond will recycle.

Why dost thou not go into the Valley of Croix and do battle with The Dragon of the East? The Dragon consumeth much of Darth’s garbage and the peasants payeth not tribute to my Lord Vader of Trash as commanded by the King.”

But the Recycler sayeth, “Nay, the Oracle has decreed my mission is South County. Once South County recycles their garbage and composts their trash, the whole world will follow suite.”

Unable to dissuade the Recycler from his mission, the Keeper of the Peasants Landfill bade the Recycler to speak of his plan to the King, knowing full well of the King’s intention to give the Peasants Landfill to Darth Garbage, The Lord Vader of Trash.

King Gustaf of Teflon did say to the Recycler, “Comest thou to the Night of Royal Buttock Kissing that we may speak of your plan to save Heaven. Checkest thy Google for dates and times.”

So the Recycler of Political Naivety did go to Night of Royal Buttock Kissing.

And the Keeper of the Special People did come forth and did kisseth the King’s rosy, red and royal buttocks and the King did take money from the peasants and did give it to the Keeper of the Special People.

Next, the Director of Wellness came forth and did kisseth the King’s rosy, red and royal buttocks and asketh the King for 5,000 greenbacks so he might take a vacation to the New City of York.

But the Barrister of Integrity sayeth, “The peasants already pay thee a kazillion denari each year, why dost thou not pay for thine own vacation to the New City of York?”

But the Director of Wellness did kisseth the King’s rosy, red and royal buttock’s some more and the King did take money from the peasants and did give the money to the Director of Wellness for his vacation to the New City of York.

Next cometh a builder of castles and he did kisseth the King’s rosy, red and royal buttocks.

But Dubolee did speaketh, “Thy castles do not meet the requirements of this land.”

The builder of castles did kisseth the King’s rosy, red and royal buttocks some more and the King did speak, “Hast thou joined the GOG? (Guppies of Gustaf)”

“Yes, my Liege,” speaketh the builder of castles.

“Are thy dues current?” spake the King.

“Yes, my Liege,” speaketh the builder of castles.

And the King did say, “Build thy castles as thou wishest.”

A man whose spouse was deathly ill, did come forth to plead for the life of his spouse’s favorite dog who had offended the GOG, and the King did killeth the man’s dog.

Then a peasant, the Petter of Tonyfeso, did come forth.

But the Petter cometh not to kisseth the King’s rosy, red and royal buttocks.

The Petter did speak unto the King, “Truly thou art from the Land of Schmuck!
You maketh the peasants buy lance tips for the Summer Jousts, you selleth the lance tips to the jousters and pocketeth the money for thy own use.

Thou double and triple dippeth on thy per diem, thou park thy chariot in spots reserved for the Special People and now thou hast lied on Sacred Day. Thou hast never been a Constable, only a rent a cop security guard. Thou dost not know Dubya, the highest authority in the land and thou art not a friend of Dubya as thou hast claimed.
Hast thou no shame? Thou should abdicate, posthaste and spare South County further embarrassment.”

“Nay, nay, nay. I shall not abdicate. I haveth special dispensation from my Preacher, to lie on Sacred Day,” sayeth the King.

And the King did take away the peasants right to speak at the night of Royal Buttock Kissing. No more would those with differing political agendas be allowed to speak in front of the King.

The King did then invite the Recycler to his private room in the Great Hall and spake to him saying, “If thou dost now understand Gustaf Nomics, thou mayest now kiss my rosy, red and royal buttocks.”

But the Oracle did speak to the Recycler and sayeth, “Trust not this man known as King Gustaf of Teflon, from the Land of Schmuck, tell him not of thy plan to save the world.”

So the Recycler did sayeth unto the King, “Thou art all buttock, I knoweth not wence to start.”
With a terrible sadness and a heavy heart, the Recycler did leave the Great Hall of Royal Buttock Kissing.