County Attorney Dumps Democrats
“Born Again” Reiter Joins GOP
Story by Uncle Lars Bob
“Born Again” Reiter Joins GOP
Story by Uncle Lars Bob
We are reporting live from the Chisago County Republican Convention. This year’s event is at a secret location southwest of Almelund.
Security is tight. All members of the local media have been blindfolded since leaving Lindstrom. Also invited to this year’s event are Matt and Denise.
Joining us at the media suite is County Attorney Janet Reiter who has just announced to this stunned crowd of GOP Elitists, her decision to “invoke Republicanism.” Janet’s entourage includes Assistant County Attorneys Beth, Jessica and Kristine.
Commissioner Mike Robinson has just delivered the keynote address and has bored this crowd into a zombie like state. They’re chanting something, we can’t quite make it out from here. Matt, can you tell us what they are saying.
Ok, I see, it’s the Chisago County Republican Platform. Matt, we can’t hear it from here, Tell me what they’re saying…………………….
All Hail Elephant Terd, Oh, Ok, sorry folks that’s All Hail Elephant Herd………………Recyclers are Morons……..Global Warming is a myth perpetuated by the pansy assed, left wing, liberal news media……….Death to Recyclers…………………All Hail Elephant Terd, excuse me, I mean Elephant, Herd………….Must…………. Squander………….. Earth’s……………………. Resources……… Depriving future generations of resources will make them stronger………All Hail Elephant Terd……………
So there you have it folks. You heard it here first. Quite the agenda.
The Local Republican Elitists are wearing elegantly designed robes made from the finest white sheets, their heads adorned with white dunce caps and cute little elephant snouts. Identities of the faithful are kept secret.
Yes, yes now we can hear the chant as a procession of Republicans pass by our booth on their way to light their ceremonial torches……………………. All Hail Elephant Herd………………Recyclers are Morons……..Global Warming is a myth perpetuated by the pansy assed, left wing, liberal news media……….Death to Recyclers…………………All Hail Elephant Terd, excuse me, I mean Elephant Herd………….………… Must………. Squander……….. Earth’s………….. Resources……………..., Depriving future generations of resources will make them stronger…………All Hail Elephant Terd……………
The Republicans will now crucify an effigy of Jeremy Kalin before burning the cross.
What…………………………? Matt did you say the real Jeremy Kalin is getting crucified.
Yes, Ladies and Gentleman, we are witnessing the live crucifixion of Jeremy Kalin. Elephant Terd has just driven the first spike. Ooooooooh, that’s gotta hurt. But what a treat for this loyal crowd of Republican Elitists.
Commissioner Gustafson has just driven the second spike while Commissioners Robinson and Schultz, in a show of unity, jointly nail Jeremy’s feet to the cross.
But back to the big news of the day. Janet, what prompted your decision to switch parties?
It was the money, Lars. I sold out for the money. Even before I took the Oath of Office, Robert, The Right Reverend Gustafson upped my salary by seven grand a year.
Look, I know a lot of folks were expecting me to clean up the corruption and cronyism of the County Board, but hell, how can you prosecute a guy that has just given you and extra 28 grand of the taxpayers money over your four year term.
But I tell you this, Lars, when Robert, The Right Reverend Gustafson cut me in for a piece of his softball action, I saw the light. Halleluiah, Praise the Lord. I was born again. I sit next to the Right Reverend at church every Sunday. I help him teach his Sunday School class.
When the collection plate comes around, Bob takes the twenty’s and I get the ten’s.
Then the judges started giving me stock tips. I tell you this Lars, when I leave office, I’m gonna be one rich bitch.
Now, I got just one word for those dumb asses that supported me at the election.
Suuccccckkkkeeeeeeerrrrr.
You Democrats want me back. Just show me the money. Show me the money.
And as the dying embers of the burning cross light the evening sky, we are again blindfolded and return to Lindstrom. Only true Republicans are invited to stay for the weeny and marshmallow roast.
Next week we are reporting live from Robert, The Right Reverend’s Sunday School Class.
Security is tight. All members of the local media have been blindfolded since leaving Lindstrom. Also invited to this year’s event are Matt and Denise.
Joining us at the media suite is County Attorney Janet Reiter who has just announced to this stunned crowd of GOP Elitists, her decision to “invoke Republicanism.” Janet’s entourage includes Assistant County Attorneys Beth, Jessica and Kristine.
Commissioner Mike Robinson has just delivered the keynote address and has bored this crowd into a zombie like state. They’re chanting something, we can’t quite make it out from here. Matt, can you tell us what they are saying.
Ok, I see, it’s the Chisago County Republican Platform. Matt, we can’t hear it from here, Tell me what they’re saying…………………….
All Hail Elephant Terd, Oh, Ok, sorry folks that’s All Hail Elephant Herd………………Recyclers are Morons……..Global Warming is a myth perpetuated by the pansy assed, left wing, liberal news media……….Death to Recyclers…………………All Hail Elephant Terd, excuse me, I mean Elephant, Herd………….Must…………. Squander………….. Earth’s……………………. Resources……… Depriving future generations of resources will make them stronger………All Hail Elephant Terd……………
So there you have it folks. You heard it here first. Quite the agenda.
The Local Republican Elitists are wearing elegantly designed robes made from the finest white sheets, their heads adorned with white dunce caps and cute little elephant snouts. Identities of the faithful are kept secret.
Yes, yes now we can hear the chant as a procession of Republicans pass by our booth on their way to light their ceremonial torches……………………. All Hail Elephant Herd………………Recyclers are Morons……..Global Warming is a myth perpetuated by the pansy assed, left wing, liberal news media……….Death to Recyclers…………………All Hail Elephant Terd, excuse me, I mean Elephant Herd………….………… Must………. Squander……….. Earth’s………….. Resources……………..., Depriving future generations of resources will make them stronger…………All Hail Elephant Terd……………
The Republicans will now crucify an effigy of Jeremy Kalin before burning the cross.
What…………………………? Matt did you say the real Jeremy Kalin is getting crucified.
Yes, Ladies and Gentleman, we are witnessing the live crucifixion of Jeremy Kalin. Elephant Terd has just driven the first spike. Ooooooooh, that’s gotta hurt. But what a treat for this loyal crowd of Republican Elitists.
Commissioner Gustafson has just driven the second spike while Commissioners Robinson and Schultz, in a show of unity, jointly nail Jeremy’s feet to the cross.
But back to the big news of the day. Janet, what prompted your decision to switch parties?
It was the money, Lars. I sold out for the money. Even before I took the Oath of Office, Robert, The Right Reverend Gustafson upped my salary by seven grand a year.
Look, I know a lot of folks were expecting me to clean up the corruption and cronyism of the County Board, but hell, how can you prosecute a guy that has just given you and extra 28 grand of the taxpayers money over your four year term.
But I tell you this, Lars, when Robert, The Right Reverend Gustafson cut me in for a piece of his softball action, I saw the light. Halleluiah, Praise the Lord. I was born again. I sit next to the Right Reverend at church every Sunday. I help him teach his Sunday School class.
When the collection plate comes around, Bob takes the twenty’s and I get the ten’s.
Then the judges started giving me stock tips. I tell you this Lars, when I leave office, I’m gonna be one rich bitch.
Now, I got just one word for those dumb asses that supported me at the election.
Suuccccckkkkeeeeeeerrrrr.
You Democrats want me back. Just show me the money. Show me the money.
And as the dying embers of the burning cross light the evening sky, we are again blindfolded and return to Lindstrom. Only true Republicans are invited to stay for the weeny and marshmallow roast.
Next week we are reporting live from Robert, The Right Reverend’s Sunday School Class.
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