What the “BLEEEEEEP” Does a County Commissioner Do?

What the “BLEEEEEEP” Does a County Commissioner Do?
Story by Uncle Lars Bob

Chisago County has 50,000 residents. The County is divided into five Districts of about 10,000 people each.

Each District elects one representative, called a County Commissioner to the Board of Commissioners.

Basically, the County Board is a legislative body. As with any legislative body, its main purpose is the redistribution of wealth. In other words, it takes money from you and gives it to someone else.

The taxpayers hire (elect) five ordinary schmucks to take about 56 million hard earned dollars away from you, and spend it.

The current board consists of a truck driver, a career politician, a lawyer and two farmers.

As you might guess, a commissioner is like a guy who just won the lottery. He has many friends, all of whom want your taxpayer dollars.

These friends are known as lobbyists and are already paid by you, the taxpayer, to run various departments in County Government.

As you might guess, every department head wants to bring home the “bacon.”

As a Commissioner, this is the perfect opportunity to extract politic loyalty from the department heads, by giving your tax dollars to them.

This builds a Commissioner’s political power base to assure his or her own reelection.

As a Commissioner, it is very important to gain the favor of the County Attorney and the Sheriff.

If you think the County Attorney may prosecute you for your illegal contracts with the County, you should give her a big raise to assure her loyalty.

If the Sheriff is covering up your arrest for drunken driving, you may have to build a new forty million dollar jail to keep him on your side. After all, a DUI could be disastrous for your political career.

However, the Sheriff and County Attorney are at your disposal should you need to investigate, intimidate, harass or prosecute your political enemies.

A Commissioner is paid twenty seven grand a year. Not bad for a part time gig. You also get paid mileage and per diem for every county function you attend, plus free medical and dental coverage and a pension, all paid for by the taxpayer.

But the biggest perk is the monthly MCA (Minnesota County Association) meetings.

You actually get paid to attend a drunken orgy. The taxpayers pay for the County’s membership and you get free booze, all you can drink.

Of coarse, you wouldn’t want to risk another DUI, so you stay in the swankiest downtown hotels and run up a $500 tab on your County Credit card.

It’s also a good time to escape the “old ball and chain,” carry on extramarital affairs and spend some quality time with other drunken commissioners at the expense of the taxpayers.

But the best part of being a commissioner is the retaliation you can levy against your opponent’s supporters.

You get to instruct the tax assessor to reevaluate the property of all those folks foolish enough to put out yard signs for your opponents. To the victor goes the spoils.
I wish I could find a punch line for this story, but it’s really not very funny, is it?

Return Integrity to the County Board

Vote for Glassel on September 9th.