Lone Recycler--Episode Eleven

Episode Eleven

Indeed, all the King’s men were Master Baiters.

In those days, South County hath many lakes. And those lakes hath many fishes. The peasants (taxpayers) of South County being duly concerned about fish overpopulation did construct tiny houses on the frozen lakes.

Upon drilling holes through the ice, the peasants lureth the over breeding little menaces to the ice hole by placing a frozen worm on the end of a hook.

The thought of handling this worm was distasteful, so many hireth the services of professional baiters. The baiters procedeth from ice house to ice house baiting hooks for the peasants (taxpayers).

On both days of summer, the baiters would go from boat to boat and Master Bait.

For many generations, the females of South County were not allowed to Master Bait. The thought of females touching that nasty worm was uncomfortable for many and for years the King forbade female Master Baiting.

In time attitudes changed and many asked the question, “If females can be doctors and lawyers, they should be allowed to Master Bait.”

The Patsy of Charles, after an apprenticeship of nearly twenty years became the first female Master Baiter in South County and the King did replaceth Texas Ranger with a Master Baiter, the Patsy of Charles.

But of all the Master Baiters in all the land, Occifer Ogre, the King’s Kung Fu Guy, was the most proficient.

Now, boys and girls, most people knoweth not that Occifer Ogre was raised by the Indigenous Peoples (Native Americans) of South County.

Occifer Ogre had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. Occifer Ogre went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name...

The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named.

It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."

Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name?

The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky...

The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name...

And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth.

Then the Chief speaketh to Occifer Ogre, "Why dost thou ask, Two Dogs Humping?"

In those days, in the Village of Strom did dwelleth Pudd, the village idiot. Pudd was long and lean and wore a pink dunce helmet which turneth blue when Pudd was wet or cold.

Occifer Ogre was bully, perhaps stemming from his time with the Indians and Occifer Ogre did poundeth Pudd.

Occifer Ogre poundeth Pudd in the park. Occifer Ogre pounded Pudd by the lake. Occifer Ogre even took Pudd home and poundeth Pudd in his bathroom and poundeth Pudd in his bedroom.

Indeed, every time Occifer Ogre saw Pudd, Pudd would get pounded.

And the peasants (taxpayers) would ask Occifer Ogre, “Why dost thou pound Pudd day and night?”

And Occifer Ogre would say, “One day I will take a spouse. I am practicing the marital arts of Kung Fu, Tae Kwon Doe and Ju Jitsui to prepare myself for marriage.”

And the King was very proud of Occifer Ogre and Occifer Ogre did Master Bait for the King.

And the King saw that Occifer Ogre was the best of his Master Baiters.

And the King did order all his Master Baiters to poundeth Pudd. With all the King’s men pounding Pudd, Pudd could take no more and moveth to another village.

And the King’s Master Baiters spake, “Woe is me for Pudd has left town.” And the King seeing, the distress of his Master Baiters, ordered life size replicas of Pudd for each of his Master Baiters to pound.

In those days the women did seek equality with the men and the King was forced to hire female Master Baiters. In those days, the thought of a woman pounding Pudd was coothless, indeed. And so the females working for the King were given a set of knockers.

You know, a series of six steel balls hung from a pendulum. And by raising one ball, it would whack against the other until the energy transferred to the final ball.

Some were given hooters (noisemakers) and others were given a really nice set of puppies that were kept in a frilly training device known as a Booby Restraining Apparatus (BRA). But the puppies could neither roll over or fetch, however some could sit up and beg.

And while the peasants (taxpayers) toiled and Heaven became hotter, all the King’s men Master Baited.
To be continued.